Today I had one of my hardest sessions ever: I started with admitting to T that my Sui and SI urges were really strong lately and that yesterday I drank quite a lot, over-ate and purged. T was really empathetic, but she admitted to not knowing what more she could do to help me. So we spent a lot of time in silence, I could barely look at her or say anything, I just felt like the whole room was full of raw pain. At one point I think T was trying to see whether I was suicidal as she hinted at it maybe being an option and really wanted me to say something about that. As soon as I mentioned not being able to hurt my nieces in that way she let go of the subject.
She tried to give some motivation to continue looking for a job as this would help so much... At the end of the session she gave me a hug and I nearly cried, when she let go and saw my face she immediately hugged me again and said: "oh Sweetie I so wish I could pack you up and take you home." All I could answer was: " but you can't..."

I think I've never let her see so much pain, I've never been so close to breaking down and it was so hard to talk, to leave my "socially acceptable mask" behind, but I'm kinda glad I did it. It's hard to share the pain, but it's even harder to carry it alone.

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