Nobody has a gun to your head making you read or reply.

Yes, I am repeating myself, because my pain is repeating round and round in my head in bursts. It's not with me all the time and when it swells I come here and fire it down on the page. And big ****ing yes is it circular! My head spins in circles on this when it strikes! I don't know what way is up.

My head is up my hole when it comes to this woman. I love her, I want to shake myself for loving her and forget, and I also get swamped in very ****ing real guilt about it. Because it mirrors all the rows with my biological mother, the recent argument with my brother where he told me a few 'home truths' that echoced what my therapist said (we are now ok, yay us) and that with my ex boyfriend. Basically every other real-life relationship where things have gone sour - so I yes, genuinely feel at times like it is all my fault.


I don't come on here for some exhibitionist indulgence, as you are suggesting. My guilt and bitterness and pain and doubt and confusion were genuine.

Because it's heartache, and not depression, it's not something that's screwing up the rest of my life - it's waves of loneliness and hurt that come on when I'm not busy and doing stuff, and yes I come post here.

ETA - You know what, I probably do post whenever I'm in most danger of weakening and getting in touch with her. So ****ing what. It strengthens my resolve to post here rather than send her an email begging her to love me again.