Added this to relationship forum as well.

Update:

We have been to counseling a few times now. One of the major issues that has come up was the fact that I really have a hard time dealing with the physical touching (hugging) and the "I love you" that she tells this guy which in turn he tells her. She has stated in the counseling that the only reason she did this was because she was dealing with the trauma of her uncle passing away. She also stated that she did not realize that I was asking for him not to be in our house because of this same trauma. She also blames her self for the sex with him because she was 1 year older than him.

I am having a hard time believing this. She had enough presence of mind that she had no problem telling me that my feelings on this subject are "wrong". We just had sex and that was nothing wrong (which I kind of agree with but the cousin thing is a little difficult for me). We were young and high and I didn't know you existed (I agree with this as well but hard to leave the past in the past if he is in your house hugging your wife). I even had to go as far to buy the book "The Love Dare" and read and complete the tasks because she was so disappointed in me and my reaction.

I am starting to feel some resentment.

She has also stopped having sex with me because of my depression. First she said that it was because I was shutting down emotionally after sex and that was hurting her feelings and now it is because she doesn't feel emotionally safe due to my emotional state reminding her of her bipolar mom and sister. It has been close to 3 months.

We have discussed this in therapy as well. She says she is doing everything else and if all I want is a sex doll I can get that from anyone. Yet she says the sex that we have is so much different than the sex she had with her cousin (feelings, openness and the love we have for each other). This is the connection that I want. Not just a sex doll.

If I don't close of my feelings from her she says she can't handle the emotional rollercoaster. I am at a loss. I open up she is scared, I close off her feelings are hurt. I am not physically are mentally abusing her but my emotions and irritability are heightened. I am depressed and will get over this and my feelings will eventually even out, I know this for certain.

How do I stop these feelings of resentment?

Why is she not emotionally safe? (We have been married 16 years and I hope I have shown her that she is safe with me).

Why does she not see that I don't want a sex doll but a loving, intimate relationship with my wife?

Is asking for her patience and support through this depression unfair because of her childhood?

Don't' know what to do. Any help/advice is appreciated. Sorry for the long post.