I want to make an answer for your statement, "I am not sure I know why I put it out in cyber space." The answer is that you are in need of help, and you're willing to do anything, even posting online, to get that help. That's not a weakness, it's a strength.

These feelings can't be remedied on our own, we need to seek help and support. Contact a therapist, and talk to friends. If you feel you have no friends, then building a primary support system is vital, but don't try to do it alone.

Robin Williams didn't see a way out, sure... but that doesn't mean there is no way out. Sometimes our depression takes over us, and the game ends. That's why it's so important to seek help before it gets there. You're already fantasizing about growing closer to death, even "considering taking her with me and leaving together." That's a sign. Don't take it lightly.

I hope you find the support you need.