I am trying to decide if/when I should contact a long-term friend of mine, who I am really missing right now.

The story is complicated. My friend is 20 years older than me and was one of my professors in college. We became friends and rode horses together, saw movies together, met for coffee/lunch, etc. regularly. Even though she was much older than me and I moved out of the area, I still remained in contact with her and would see her when I came back to my college town to visit. This went on for about 15 years. In August of 2013, I was supposed to be meeting her for breakfast, but was unable to travel at the last minute because my husband and I got into a huge argument which turned physical. I told her I was unable to make it and outlined what had happened with him. She completely freaked out on me, saying that he had abused me and I needed to get out.

I didn't leave my relationship at that time (I'm married for 7 years with 3 children), but she told me she wanted to hear from me regularly because she was so worried my husband was going to kill me, and that she was always available if I needed to talk. So I did write to her regularly until May 2014. Then my husband did something else physical, which I told her about, and he also said we couldn't afford counseling (which I had tried to talk him into). My friend then contacted my mother without my knowledge and told her she was afraid for my life, that my husband was being physically abusive again, that she thought I was depressed and suicidal because of it, and that my husband was not allowing me to get help. When I found out she had called my mom, I felt extremely betrayed and got very angry at her, telling her I didn't need her help, or my parents help. She responded with an email that said, "I've decided I simply cannot help you anymore. And you have made it clear you don't want my, or anyone else's help. So this is goodbye. I wish you well in your life, but please don't contact me anymore."

I felt like I was caught completely off-guard. I had no idea that she was even considering "getting rid of me" and I became even more depressed because of it. I sent a very sincere apology and thanked her for contacting my parents, but she did not respond. I was very, very sad.

Then, in July 2014 my husband tried to strangle me and I called the police. He was arrested. In a state of extreme upset shortly afterwards, I wrote to my friend and told her what happened and that I knew I was a terrible person for how I had treated her. She responded immediately and told me I was not a terrible person - that she had always liked me, and that she was not surprised with what had happened. She said she hoped I realized the gift of a second chance and would actually leave him this time. In closing she said, "I wish you all the best in your healing process and rebuilding your life. I really do. And I can’t imagine a world where I would ever hate you - so please wipe that thought from your mind. I truly want you to have a happy productive life. But I cannot do this journey with you - you need to do it yourself."

I didn't reply to her, but later that week I found out from my parents that she had called them again to make sure they knew that he had abused me again and gone to jail. So I wrote to her one more time and thanked her for contacting my parents and told her I was so surprised at how nice and caring everyone was. She wrote back saying, "Of course we care. A lot of people love you and we all want you to have a good life. I was praying you would get another chance and voila!"

So, I have not tried to contact her in anyway since then... and it has been 7 months. I have gone through extensive counseling (both individual and group) and am currently living separately from my husband (he also is going through court-ordered batterers counseling).

I really have been feeling lately like I want to email her and let her know I'm doing well, say thank you for sacrificing so much time and energy for me, and tell her that I miss her. But I do not know if she was still hinting that her "don't contact me" statement was still in place, or if she was possibly leaving the door open to the future. I'm not sure if she meant she does not want to do my "healing" journey with me, or my "life" journey with me.

She really was a good friend for 15 years and I do miss her. Does anybody think it would be a bad idea to contact her, or should I just let it go? Does it sound like she still does not want me in her life, period, or that there may be a door open once I get my life figured out again?

Thanks, in advance.