I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder at age 13 after years of abuse from my mother. I have carried this anxiety disorder with me even at my age of 22. It has created so much anxiety in my life and has held me back from accomplishing certain goals.
It might sound like I'm just blaming her for my own failings, but I know the emotional and mental pain she has caused me for years. She left when I turned 14 for another man, it was a very messy divorce and she was extremely inappropriate and crude. She was also an alcoholic and I believe she has a mental illness, either bipolar or narcissism.

She refuses to acknowledge any harm that she has caused me, yet she now expects us to have a relationship and she expects me to be nice to her. She cries on the phone to me about how mean I am to her, and I just roll my eyes.

After everything she has done to me and my family, she has the nerve to play the victim? Now every time her birthday rolls around, or mother's day, I feel like I HAVE to do something for her but I usually don't. Every time I talk to her she tries to pull a guilt trip on me even though she was the one who is a deadbeat mother.
I hold a lot of resentment because of her and it just makes it worse that she still doesn't get it.

My anxiety from my childhood has plagued me for so long. I just wish I was normal. It's even affected my jobs. I have an unhealthy fear of authority figures like bosses and I spend so much energy just trying not to have a panic attack at work.
It's ruined my relationships, with men and with friendships. I don't trust female friends, and I push away boyfriends until I eventually break up with them for no good reason.
Until I'm all alone and no one else can hurt me - except me, alone with my thoughts and my bitter feelings of abandonment and constant anxiety.

I shake sometimes, I grind my teeth in my sleep, I get flustered easily, I get paranoid, my heart pounds in my chest, I barely manage to hold down a job, I have no deep relationships, I always imagine the worst case scenarios, it feels like my flight or fight response is constantly running.

I've tried therapy - they don't help me, they barely even know what to say to me.
I've tried medications - they don't help either, I don't even notice a change, I might as well be taking a sugar pill.
I don't know what to do.
Meditation seems to help and other things like yoga but this problem just keeps on popping up.

I feel like my mother killed who I could have been.