I just got finished inhaling a whole cigarette in under 2 minutes- after quitting for 6 months and I feel sick as a dog.
Again, this is about my family relations. My Mother to be exact. I spoke with her on the phone today and as usual whenever we would get into a conversation she'll change the subject or totally ignore something I've said.
Today I was acutely aware of this because she did it to me twice, I let it go-the third time I got mad. We were talking about immigrants-she started the conversation-well, it came time to speak my views on it and she suddenly says "Ozzie Ozbourne!!!!!!!" Out of nowhere. And I was like wtf? so, I asked her why she said that and she said when she was watching tv all the shows were too serious and she was channel surfing and his show came on and she was watching it and he never took anything seriously...
I was like, "Why did you say that? I was talking?" and to that she replied that I was getting too serious.
WHAT?
She just got finished talking about how the Irish were treated when we came over and I should go and rent out the Gangs of New York-but when I talk about it-it's too SERIOUS.
I got very quiet and I made a sarcastic remark when she asked what I was going to do today "I won't be serious-that's for sure." And she was like "no, don't be serious." And she went on talking.
I was so mad-she finally got tired of my being quiet and said she had to go. I said I loved her in a strained tone of voice and then said goodbye and hung up. I was so mad my hands were shaking so I called her back and said "I really think I should stop talking to the family" and she says "Okay then stop talking to the family" and i said okay and I hung up on her.
Is it me? No, it's not. That's how she is. You cannot be serious-she can be when she wants to be but you're not allowed to be. Always got to be a freaking clown. I'm tired of not having a mother but some ******* jokester. I hate her. Why did I have to get stuck with her? I'd rather a mother just hit me and abuse me that way 'cause then I can point to the abuse and say-look, it hurts because she hit me. Know how ******* retarded I sound when I try to explain to people this loveable, adorable short little FAT clown isn't a good mother? EVeryone just looooooves her so much. She's soooooooo funny and she's soooooo nice.
NO, she's not. She's mean and she's rude and she's selfish.
God I feel like throwing up.
This is why I have to get away from her and the rest of them. My siblings are like her too. They don't turn off. It doesn't stop! Its alway kareokee or dancing or playing guitars and yippeeeee-isn't this fun? No, it's not. Cause we never get to connect. We never can have a serious conversations about current/world events or emotions-unless of course,it's their emotions. Im always the psychiatrist. That make sense, doesn't it? I guess since I'm the only one who's active in trying to better my mental health and have seen psychiatrist/psycologists then I make the perfect one for them because god knows they won't go to see one because that would mean that they are crazy so they dump it all on me. Isn't this a great deal I'm getting here. I'm crazy but I'm also the psychiatrist who helps them.
GGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I understand more and more why I am the way I am -why I'm so angry, why I have such a bad attitude (To balance out all of the freaking fake gaity?) Why I have such a problem with relationships and intimacy issues.
I would go on but I don't want to write a freaking novel. I'll divide it up into chapters.