I haven't been around for quite awhile. I see a lot of new names. I hope along the way to get to know you.

For those who don't know me, I've been battling this disorder since I was 14. Many meds, hospitalizations, suicide attempts and the ending of 2 marriages. It really did make a mess of my life. For 12 years I isolated myself from all friends and family.

In the last couple of years I've tried to mend fences with these people. for the last year I've worked very hard at getting my act together and for the most part I've been pretty successful. Up until 7 months ago, I was accepting of my disorder but felt that I was destined to be on my own the rest of my life. That was cool. I was use to the idea and accepted that as a fact.

I had a bad manic episode 7 months ago and in the process of a week of craziness I met the most amazing man.
He really is the love of my life. A couple of weeks ago I returned from staying with him for 3 months. he lives about 200 kms from me.

He's raising his 15 year old son on his own. "The plan" at the beginning was that we would see each other once a month and if all works out then we would talk about living together in about 2 years, when his son is finishing high school.

Alot has happened in 7 months with us and I'm finding the emotional rollacoaster has started to effect my BP disorder.
I'm finding that the distance is heartbreaking. I'm starting to get really depressed, not eating or sleeping. Staying in bed and taking whatever I can just to sleep my time away. Old bad habits.

My brain is not my friend. When I'm not with him, my brain goes haywire. I have know one to talk to. I actually have emotions now. The wall's been knocked down. The problem is, is that all these emotions are screwing me up. I'm actually seriously thinking about breaking up with him because of this. He's the greatest guy in the whole world, would do anything for me and I love him more than i've loved anyone.

The loving him, the missing him, the elation of seeing him for 2 days then the depression that follows is just too much for me sometimes and I get overwhelmed and then my moods start going all crazy.

I know I have to do something but I don't know what that should be, I'm really confused. I don't know that I can live this way. I know if we did break up, it would be devastating for both of us but I have to keep myself well no matter what. Then the next question. Can I live without him.

I first met him 27 years ago and wanted nothing to do with him. We both feel that we've been put on the same path for a reason. Maybe it's our second shot.


Am I blowing it?