My T. texted me a lot while my mom was sick/died and a little afterwards. Told me to text anytime, etc. I even asked her over for a glass of wine and she said sounds relaxing but she had to go out of town - not, sorry I'm your T. Then, as therapy went on and my transference developed, she stopped responding as much. She said she can understand grief through texting but was afraid she would misunderstand other feelings I'm communicating and feels it should be said in session. She does not email. Because of the texting frequency, it was as if we were friends. I even brought it up and she said she only texts with a few clients but text anytime. So, I told her I felt she pushed me away and didn't like the new boundaries. We discussed it multiple times.

So, I spent the next few months telling myself that we won't be friends and all the reasons it's ok: I'll probably tell her more, she wouldn't be the same outside therapy, it would taint our relationship, etc. Then, one session she says she's a good friend and fun. I asked why in the world would she tell me that when we can't be friends. She said well we are in the hour a week we meet. I was mad for two days at least. I consulted another T. around that time who knows her regarding my transference and she said I should tell her about the friend comment but I didn't. I was afraid it would push her away and deep down maybe I liked that she felt that way.

Last week and other times I have run into her at a restaurant or other public places. We live in a small town. I've only SEEN her with her family but I've seen her car other times. It's never bothered me until now. I'm worried I would see her with someone I know and be completely jealous of their time together. I recently found out an old friend sees her and I was so angry/jealous/upset worrying that their relationship was how ours used to be. we discussed it but it still bothers me. I even said I didn't want her texting this friend. I was on a role of expressing my anger so she didn't respond. she did tell me they wouldn't be having lunch or any sleepovers.

So, when I saw her car recently my heart sank. I thought what if she's with one of my friends or someone I know. I would melt. I really don't want to feel this way and am trying to figure out why it's changed. Maybe because I'm more attached to her? I want to view her like any other doctor or when I see some of my friends out - I'm not jealous. I think that when she and I had the fun texting relationship, I felt special so it didn't matter if she did things with anyone else. I told her I try to tell myself she doesn't have any friends. She said really she only has 2 and I know that from years ago when she said the same thing.

I'm trying to think of what to tell myself to get this to pass. I'm worried if I talk to her about it, she'll definitely not text me anymore in the future or make comments that seem to express how she feels. I guess I hope that when the transference passes, we can go back to the way it was. perhaps by then I won't even want/need it.