Hello everyone

First I want to introduce myself, as this is my first ever post: My name is Laura and I am from Germany so please excuse any grammatical errors. I am writing this post in the hope to help myself and others who suffer from anxiety, fear and panic, especially when it comes towards relationships of any kind. It is a long post I am truly sorry but I think knowing all my backround might help others understand the roots of my fears.

A little bit of my backround: I grew up in a “healthy family”, no divorces or ugly fights and had a great childhood. I learned early though that I had problems making friends (probably because I wanted it so badly). The real problems started when I got to secondary school – I have never been a fat child, maybe a little bit molly – the problems started. It was a very exclusive school where most of the children were of higher social classes. My parents were immigrants and were “wealthier” than most other at that time. Especially my mother has extremely high expectations towards everything, but most of all, our social standard and what other people think of us. When the bullying started, my worst nightmare started and would not stop for several years, until I was out of school. I was mad fun of for everything. My looks, my parents, my family, my grades, our money – every day the would find some new way to humiliate me. The worst was my mother though: instead of being supportive she would show me every day what a disgrace I was to the family. That I was not like my older brother, who had good grades and close friends. She told me that I was mentally sick and would take me from one psychiatry to the next. At every clinic they tested me (aged 12) only to find out that I was ok, no ADS, no behavioural disorders. It made my mother crazy not finding a “sickness” that she could blame for all this. The arguments were crazy and the things that were said were cruel on both sides. My father just stood by her, not really sure what to do, defending her more than me. I remember the day my mother said to me she wished I was never born and that if she knew would child I would turn out to be she would have aborted (yeah, she is a bit mental, too). I became depressed and secretly self-harmed myself. I was completely lost.

Then puberty hit and things started to turn out a bit better. I discovered the magic of fashion clothes and make up and managed for the first time to look like others. I made some temporary friendships (of course those girls were fake and would go behind my back the moment they could, I was always extremely naïve and had difficulties reading people) and learnt how a girl should look like, behave, flirt etc. I soon discovered the best thing: having a boyfriend. My boyfriends were always from the countryside, they did not know me, my family and school past and would never judge me for it. For the first time ever I felt free and could be the way I wanted to be. I entered a relationship immediately without even thinking about it. I would rather be with some guy I did not even have feelings for than being alone. To me they were all good friends and when they kissed I felt loved for the first time. I needed that attention so desperately that I developed a scheme. I would be with a guy until I was getting bored and the butterflies were gone and then I would find myself another one. I became addicted to that feeling of being “wanted” when I went to clubs, of guys trying to hit on me and short, intense and dramatic relationships. I loved playing with the fire, the confidence that for the first time I could have almost every guy I wanted. (It wasn’t until I was 16 I realised I wasn’t ugly and bad looking at all). I had a new boyfriend every couple of months, always cheated, broke up, got a new one. Same routine. The worst was: I did not even feel bad about it. I had friends then for a while but only for as long as I was with a guy. I never had female friends, as I avoided it since girls were always associated with something mean (plus I hated my mother) and betrayal. I only made bad experience with having female friends, which was probably due to the fact that I had that little person knowledge that I always picked the wrong friends, always fancy, rich and beautiful and me desperately trying to be like them. I can tell you, there is not much behind that masquerade.

Anyway, back to the boys:
My mother (ultra catholic)became crazy and started to name me a ***** but I didn’t care – I always had a good nice guy to back me up, somewhere where I could flee my parents from, where I could hide from school bullies – why should I feel bad for it? For the first time in my life I felt independent and good. All went well till it happened to me when I was about to leave school: I met my great love. Long story short, he was on another continent, it was painful, dramatic, he ended up cheating, broke my heart, came back to me, humiliated me… it was the worst rollercoaster trip ever. I think that was when my anxiety started. I was 100% dependent on him. He could do whatever he wanted with me or to me, cheat and brag about it and I would have that little dignity left that I would take it. After visiting him and realising for myself what a douche he was I finally cut the last contact. I was devastated and heartbroken so first thing to do was look for a new boyfriend which I found quickly. Of course it didn’t last. Then after a year my “friends” (they were more party mates than real friends) and I went on a trip to Ireland. I had a little 3-day romance with a backpacker and then on my final days I met the man who would change everything. My boyfriend.

At first I didn’t take it seriously, just another holiday romance (we only kissed). But over the months and a lot of conversations, skype and calls I realised that this one was different. I told him everything. Every single bit of my past. My parents, my depressions, my boyfriends and my cheating. And he accepted me the way I was. I have been with him for 3 years now and never cheated and he has made me the happiest woman in the world. I moved to Ireland, we have a house together and live in harmony. My parents accepted him (first man they every accepted and even invited to their home) and suddenly my relationship to them became better.

The only thing now to threaten this is my anxieties. The day before I went to visit him for the first time a panic hit me: what if I don’t really love him and I was just telling myself that like all the other times? That anxiety was bad for a couple of weeks, so bad that I would end up crying for days. However, I was honest with him and told him immediately about it and he was supportive and understanding and somehow managed not to take it personal. (He IS the perfect man!!!)

Since I live here I have always had phases where I had anxieties. One was after 6 months of moving here, I had a **** job in a call centre and was unhappy with my career life. All of sudden it hit me: what if I don’t love him and all this was a big mistake? What if I fall in love with someone else?
I went crazy. It was so bad I couldn’t go to work. For the first time though I had a real friend. She went through a divorce the year before and was my role model in almost everything. Confident and never afraid of anything. There is no situation that woman couldn’t handle. And after talking to her and my boyfriend for a long time we decided to address my “irrational fears”. Irrational because why would I be afraid of something like falling in love with someone else? If I did, why would I be afraid of it? No, the deeper sense behind that fear is always one thing: that I would lose my boyfriend. I know there is no other way that we would ever break up. He would never leave me or cheat on me because he loves me very much. Whenever we have an argument we always sorted things out in a very mature way. So I know the only way I could ever lose him is if I left him. And that would only happen if I cheated. Since this is the thing I have always done in the past I am insanely afraid of it. I am so afraid that one day I will cheat or start having feelings for someone else. And this fear haunts me. I was so afraid at some stages that I was too afraid to go on a night out with my friends because I could meet someone new. I also had panic attacks on weird, really ****ed up fears. It does not even have to have a trigger. For example, I do personal training and my coach is lesbian so my fear was “what if I turn lesbian”. The other night I went out with a couple of gay friends and in the evening when one of my gay male friends kissed me goodbye I panicked “what if I fall in love with him”.
I know the reasons for this fear: my relationship with my mother, the fact I never had any friends and that I always switched boyfriends instead of coping with my loneliness and learn to actually be alone without self-pity.
At the moment it is like this, that every time a guy looks at me or flirts with me or even just smiles at me I become afraid “omg what if I fall in love with him”. Sometimes it is guys I would find attractive, others absolutely not, most of the time I don’t even know them or like them. There is a manager in my workplace, he is married and quite handsome and he is just simply polite. I am trying to switch to the department he works in at the moment and all of a sudden the thought came into my head “if I really switch department I would have to work closely with him, what if I fall in love with him once I get to know him?”

Those fears are so irrational and some of them get to a level that is just beyond anything I have ever seen.
I don’t want to lose this special relationship and bond I have to my boyfriend and I know that I truly love him. These fears however influence my entire life, my confidence, my sex thrive, my workplace and my relationship.
How do I deal with those fears, what can I do? I am trying to “accept” them by telling myself “ok even if I fall in love with someone else, then what? The world will not end, if I really do it’s because I don’t love my boyfriend anyway so I wouldn’t want to be with someone I don’t love”. It helps a lot to think the thought through till the end but not always. Last time I did it a new thought came up “what if I am just telling myself that I love him? Maybe I am just afraid because I don’t want to break his heart because he has been so good to me. Maybe it is my subconscious telling me what I really want”.

It is very tiring, exhausting and terrifying. I was thinking of going to a therapy again. I sometimes have these irrational fears with my friends as well, that they would go behind my back or something like that. All I know is that I love being around my boyfriend. The other day we went to a restaurant and talked about so many things for over 3 hours. We really do have a bonding. I know exactly why I love him. I really don’t want to put this in any danger. Please help me I am truly desperate.

Do you have any experience with such fears? How do you address them? What can we do about it? Any books or therapy you might recommend?

Thank you so much for your patience guys!