I used to come here daily, starting post after post relintlessly trying to find a meaning to my life, through others, and interact with people with problems too. Well this wasn't the first web site that I did that with, lately I slowed down, posting very little trying to sort out my thinking, to figure out whata details to add, not to add or if its even worth posting at all.

The love I've gotten since I first came is astounding, yet its never enough. My last post spoke of my last app. with my doc, he's leaving next month, and he basicly said I have to do this alone........

Since then everyday has been different, I smile, make people laugh. I've joined a club and have gotten out with otheers. While all this seems good...its not. I like to compare this to presidents, Lincoln,Washington, out of all the good things they did during there presidency if you dig deep they where also equally as bad.

I've always been different around ppl, I love to see them smile, sad thing is they arent laughing with me, but at me. I'll say sosmething like "man i better stop beforer I make a fool outta myself" their reply: "thats too late your beyond that", or somoething similar to that. Also the whole time I've been out with club meetings its constant dred.......

While all these thinsg are my fault, and my problems I can only wonder how others achieve this goal of "happiness" At the same time I know that its a struggle against time too. Its been 1 month since this club took affect,. But my personality around ppl has always been goofy, just recently have I noticed the bad things it brings to my head.

I watched a movie recently called 'Patch Adams" It was really inspritational to me, yet I could only think......will this be a battle to the end? For those who know the story line that may make sense.

Well to those who read......thanks.....