I've been avoiding university lectures for almost a year now. Next month, I really definitely should attend some lessons, and I thought I'd share here what it is that I'm scared of at the moment..

I suffer from Irritable Bowel Syndrome and am completely paranoid about, for instance, smelling bad.. This is completely humiliating Anyway, now I'm worried that on the train or in lectures where I won't be able to 'escape' and have to sit close to other people, I'll smell bad and see disgust on someone-sitting-near-me's face.. That they'll seem offended.

Now, I don't care what people think - if they can't accept me for who I am (especially for something I have no control over and can't do anything about - an illness!! - and that's a million times worse for me than it ever could be for anyone else) - they can go F themselves! I'm bloody sick of trying to please people and always getting it wrong..

What I'm worried about is taking that look/possible whispering or some such thing as the Truth - that yes, indeed, I am disgusting, shouldn't be mingling with the 'normal' folk.. Something like that.

Fearing this, that I'll abandon myself, I've been avoiding such scary situations my whole life, basically, for whatever has been my problem at any given time.. You can imagine what an empty life it has been. I wonder how I could convince myself that I am, in fact, worthy no matter what - even if I grew a third arm out of my head or something and people laughed, I'd like to just be able to be there and not have their laughing affect me - accept myself so completely that I don't have to disappear just because someone else wants me to! I wonder how you achieve that..