I went to see a potential new T today, I´ve already seen her twice. Out of all those I´ve already been interviewing/having an evaluation session with this T was one of the very few I felt about as a possible new T. I would really need your perspectives on this, I know it´s a long post.

After todays session I felt she´s "good enough" - (the therapy expression) but I´m still hesitant and I feel very sad. For those of you who didn´t see my former posts, I got terminated by a T who I felt very deeply about (just as a T but anyway) and I felt very strongly about that therapy itself. It´s not a question of going back to that T. Long story which can be found in my former posts.

This new T who I saw today got into exactly what I myself was thinking about talking to her about before I actually entered the session. She asked me about me stating having relationship problems and she wanted me to explain more around this. As one of my main issues is about lacking relationships and partly also sexuality issues I was glad she brought the subject up. That´s because I feel a bit embarrassed to talk about it but it felt OK as I´ve just seen her in two evaluation sessions before. I think we´ve covered a lot of the issues I want to bring to therapy and she also seems open about discussing the former therapy and my former therapist.


But still, I´m not convinced and I just feel sad about the whole thing. I miss my former T and although she terminated me I still feel very deeply about her. I felt she was attuned to me and I think we shared some childhood experiences even if I got to know very little about them. To me such things are important even if I can´t search for new T:s out of asking about their childhood. The thing about childhood my former T mentioned was done so when I´d met her for some sessions.

It´s not that I have to spend more time before I see a new T, I already find it very distressing having to try to cope on my own. I´m sure I want to get into a new therapy but I think it´s an impossible task to find someone I can feel that close to as my former T.


In some aspects this new T seems more open, more available than my former T. For example talking about sexuality, my former T didn´t bring that up at all. We saw each other for only 12 sessions but still, this subject is generally a very common one when in therapy.


Today I reacted to the fact that this potential T doesn´t work in her own practice and I felt a bit like coming to a “therapy factory”. I liked the exclusiveness at my former T:s office, I felt more important to her as I never met any other clients and she never talked about other clients either. Of course I understand and know she had other clients but I still felt more valuable than meeting a T in an office where there are several other clients.


At the same time, because this potential T works like this, she also has the opportunity to offer me therapy at a largely reduced fee and that´s one of the most essential factors to me as I´m unemployed.


This potential T asked me today if I think I could trust her and be able to tell her things and I think I could, I´ve already shared some rather personal things. To me that´s not enough though even if I don´t believe in continuing my search for a new T either. I need that emotional bond and even if I realize this bond may develop when spending more sessions with this new T I feel despondent about the whole thing.


I need to get back to this potential T rather soon as she already had took on at least a couple of more clients just within two weeks. Because of that, I can´t spend several weeks thinking about it and I don´t think I would see any clearer about it anyway.

Another thing I´ve experienced is also a very strong feeling that therapy once a week isn´t enough, I don´t think even two times a week would be enough. Perhaps this alters when you worked with a T for some time but even if it feels good having someone to talk to I´ve never felt such bettering that I was able to deal with my problems in a more practical way. I´ve already seen a doctor and my former T told me she didn´t recommend antidepressants to me.


I´m not scared seeing this new T and I´m not scared getting into a new therapy but the feeling that I lack emotional connection is strong (the emotional connection was totally absent when seeing other T:s in evaluation). I don´t know what to do, I can´t tell this potential T all this as she would just say I seem too hesitant about starting therapy with her.


At the moment it feels I can choose from continue feeling bad when in a new therapy or continue feeling bad if not attending therapy.