I'm in that place too. I can feel things getting worse and everyday is a struggle, it is just so exhausting.

And I feel the same way about family. I often wish they weren't there and increasingly resent them as things get worse. I don't just resent that they care for me, but also that they actually show it and are nice and concerned and whatever.

But my cats are what really keep me going. They would never understand me no longer being around all of a sudden. I am very thankful for them. They give me love, pretty much force it on me actually, and keep me here. They always treat me the same regardless of my mental state.

On good days I keep thinking that I made it through before and that I can do it again. And on not so good days I feel quite the opposite and that a preemptive strike may be best.

I'm sorry I don't have much to say that is comforting. I'm not so great at that. But I do understand your feelings and hope that things improve for you.