When things became physical, I realized I was in big trouble. I would have panic attacks that were devastating. Probably the one reason I still smoke cigarettes is that it gives me an excuse to get away from whatever situation I find uncomfortable.

When things get really revved up, feels like I am on adrenaline. Basically, that happens only when I feel threatened.

Every day life is a grind. I remember a time when waking up in the morning was just that. Now I have to do this internal diagnostic to figure out exactly what will be happening that day.

Mental fatigue leading to physical fatigue is common. One hour talking to people equals 12 hours of hanging around the house. I literally feel like my smarts go down the tubes by the minute. I can't think straight, my coordination goes to hell, my face either turns very hot, or, sometimes, deathly cold. I feel like some freakish marionette being yanked around this way and that.

So, I don't go out much, or for very long. Those times I do I go well fortified. So I became a truck driver. It lasted a year with one company. That, in a nut shell, says it all.

Even with a job that did not require large amounts of time with people, I lasted only a year. And that is the longest I have had a job in my life. Several times, but eventually I can't take the heat, so I get out of the kitchen.

I have a habit of fooling myself in to thinking it won't happen next time, being disappointed, and going in to huge funks that last months. I simply can't seem to pull it together for any real length of time.

But no disability. I have been called lazy. I have been called a dead beat. I have been called everything in the book, except for disabled. I quit trying. I didn't think I could handle another failure.

This is that trapped in a box feeling. No way out.