My pdoc gives me this chart to use. I'd just like to say, that system is so flawed. The scale is 1-20 with middle ground being a 9-10. I cant tell if i'm up or down. Can't tell if i'm an 11 or a 13 (a little pep v. Racing thoughts, less sleep than usual). And somewhere around 16, who is charting? 16/17 are too close to 20 which equals going to the hospital. And who decided 20 was high enough anyway? Haven't been to the hospital and I'm not going. EVER!! They get you in the hospital and they give you whatever they want to. I know they do because i went through emergency and ended up staying for a physical reason. They started throwing all of these tests at me and all of these decisions to make and they were going too fast and i couldn't keep up. Then a bunch of people came in and the next thing i knew, i was calm. All I needed them to do was slow the **** down so I could keep up. Took me six months to realize that they put something in my IV. And my best friend was in the room watching. My husband. . .no where to be found . . ."at work." No one warned me, or asked for my consent. I'm certainly not going for head reasons.nope, don't trust them.

What about when i wake up in the morning feeling one way and feel the other way before i go to bed? No where does it describe the symptom of "i'm griping and about to curse out everybody who pisses me off today."

Stupid solutions: developing a routine because that is supposed to help, Eat healthy stuff because that is supposed to help. Exercise because that is supposed to help, Meditate (for me pray) because that is supposed to help, Take your meds because that is supposed to help. Well none of it helps.

I find myself sitting at my desk, trying to muster up a thought. I work in a job that involves problem solving. I used to hover at 11 or so, you know, before i was diagnosed, so i could problem solve at the drop of a hat. Now i find myself anxious with fleeting thoughts or slow as **** with no thought. So I'm on the phone with people and i can't come up with simple solutions. Can't follow the conversation, cant work through my list of things to do, cant make a **** list to start with. I worry and pray myself all the way to a meeting, through my day. I hide in my office because I don't want to be around people. I pray that i can get through the meeting without tearing up or becoming obviously overwhelmed. And when i am in a meeting, i am THE problem solver.

The solution, **** it all and go to bed. That's what helps. I can meditate from bed. In fact when I am in my bed with no lights, no sound, I'm at peace with however I feel. No matter how low I go. CHART THAT! He can take his chart and shove it up his ***. There he can find whatever number he wants and prescribe something that will help. Then he can take the **** and see if it makes his number a 9 or a 10.

I'm tired of going to T appointments too. I have been going every week forever. On that day, it helps to talk. In that moment, that hour, it helps to talk. Well what about the 167 hours between appointments. This is stupid. I can't handle today. I just want to cry. This x/y axis chart need a z. My life is 3D. My pdoc doesn't get it, my T says, well anyone who is going through a divorce can feel like this. She ties everything back to that. I am not sitting around thinking about my ex all of the time. I cant even think! Why would i waste a thought on him when i am trying to find one to get through my current situation without tears?

I want to go to bed. **** work. Took my meds. . . woke up all night. . . Ready to cry. . . Overwhelmed and the day hasn't started. CHART THAT Great- And -Wonderful pdoc with all the ******* answers, because that will help. Bull****.