So, for the past month or so, I have been running a calorie deficit-- more calories out than in. I've been exercising five days a week for 60 minutes each time, consuming maybe 600 calories gross (not net, so that number doesn't take into account the calories I have burned doing said workouts). As much as I hate to admit it, the fact is it has impacted my overall health, and not in a good way. I haven't had a period since September, I have chest pains when I run, I feel weak and run down and my quality of sleep is dreadful. I'm very woozy and can't often think clearly. In light of all this, my nutritionist has restricted my exercise to 3 workouts a week plus 2 days of walking or some other low-impact form of exercise, at least until I am more comfortable getting my calories up. It's either that or go inpatient, she says.

As much as this upsets and scares me, deep down I know she is right and is just doing her job. My health is suffering, and I am very depressed. All my life I have yo-yoed between anorexia and overeating-- why can't I break the cycle? I mean, a few months ago I was losing weight like crazy but I only exercised 4 times a week for 60 minutes each time, and I ate more than I do now, although it was all healthy and natural food. What made me go over the deep end like this? I hate myself so much these days, and yet something deep down inside tells me that I should be kinder to myself. One thing that makes it hard is how people seem to think in my town; Fort Collins is a very health-conscious town, which in many ways is a wonderful thing because healthy lifestyle options are readily available for everyone. However, the views of some people make me cringe-- they are so judgmental and mean towards people who are overweight or obese, and having been in that position before, it stings for me. I know I can't change what people say or how they think, I just wish it didn't affect me so. I mean, screw them and their bigotry, right?

My nutritionist also says I need to trust more-- trust her but more to the point, trust myself. I wish I could, but I have no faith in myself... wish I could...