As the title suggests, I have extremely low self esteem.

The problem is that I often don't feel as though I deserve anything good - friendship, success, money, whatever. I always feel like I don't deserve it. I look in the mirror and feel like ripping my skin off, because I've got acne and that just makes me even more self conscious about everything.

I've always been different. I'm a female who likes to dress, look and act like a male. My hair has always been short, I wear mens clothes, I love motorbikes...I've only worn a dress and makeup once in my life, and that was my high school formal. Most people look down at me because of that.

They see that I'm not normal, and the judge me. I know some people will say that it's in my mind, but there have been times when people have asked me. They used to do it quite bad when I was at school; I'd get kids coming up to me, asking my gender, asking me to prove it, and asking why the hell I want to be the way I am. I'd get other girls asking me all the time if I wanted to get a sex change. Do I? No. Do I like feeling more masculine? Yes, very much so. It's confusing.

As a result, I pretty much squash down every bit of myself that is is different than what is "normal." You'd think it would be hard, but it's not. After a while I got so used to putting on fake identities for other peoples' sake's and it just became natural.

Two years ago, I met my best friend, and she noticed what I was doing. She told me that all that would achieve was fake and shallow friendships. She accepts me for who I am, which is awesome, but I feel like she's the only one. Recently, my nan died and at the funeral, I wore mens pants, shirt, vest and tie. The looks I got, from my own family...

Well, not good.

Anyway, after that my self esteem got low again. I don't want to hide anymore but I can't handle the looks I get, those looks that say "what the hell are you wearing?" The looks from my family when they find out I don't want to get married, when they find out I don't intend on having kids, the looks when I laugh at the thought of actually having long hair.

I hate those looks.

So, I don't want to hide anymore, but there are two problems with that.

One, I don't actually know who I am anymore; I spent so long hiding myself away that I completely lost myself.

Two, I'm afraid that everyone around me will be disgusted. I know some people accept me - like my good friend - but still, there's that fear. And the fear of other people's judging looks.

So...how do I overcome this? Any help would be appreciated, and thanks in advance.