I had my first proper counceling session today, the first was just answering a list of questions. I'd been putting off seeing someone for a very long time. I experience many periods of 'extreme highs and lows' the highs giving me confidence that I never had, rushes of creative ideas and just bouncing off the walls. The lows, crying over nothing, self harming, and very big bursts of anger - over nothing (as I know of). Within my first year of college a tutor noticed my self harm marks and couldn't ignore it so he sent me to the counciler. I lied to her saying I was fine and it was a one of and that I wasn't having breakdowns anymore. But she adviced me to go to my GP. Even with saying no to her help I did go to the gp, who just told me it was hormones and it will pass; that was after she referee me to a professional practice. So given what she said I thought what's the point and didn't bother with the feferal.

After this Ive experienced major breakdowns as well as Highs, suicidal thoughts, drinking a lot more, started smoking, Having panic attacks to near collapsing and more. So I went back to the same college Counciler (now in my third year) and told her everything. She felt she couldn't help and that I need to see a psychotherapist (think that's what it's called), so needed to go through my GP again. I went to my gp (it was a diff guy this time) and he gave me an online test, which I scored extremely high on the depression test, he just gave me a number which I should ring and told me I'm young and go be happy.. That pissed me right off so I didn't bother ringing, he said it wold take six months as well. I went back to my Counciler and told her what was said and she was furious, so she refered me to another external Counciler (which I didn't see the point in if she said it was a phycotherapist that she thought I neeed).

Now my first proper session: The Counciler looked to be about 24; I zoned out quite bad in there and was silent for ages and all my answers where pretty much 'idk' and she was like you don't know or you don't want to tell me and she kept asking quite lot, but that was my constant answer. I felt so stupid because I couldn't give her answer because I didn't know the answer if you get me? And she was like do you think ur ready for counciling and I was like if I didn't come now then I never would. And and I broke down a bit crying and she was like why are you crying and i was like I don't know, because I really didn't have the answer. And then she was like should we continue with these session or not and I was like really don't know.. So we have a booked app for next week and I need to let her know if I'm going or not. I just feel stupid and I don't think this is going to help because I can't give her much to go on than I already have. I know people with Bipolar have always told me that they highly think I'm BP but I can't just go off other people diagnosis aswell as my own. And I'm hesitant to mention it. I just feel like I'm wasting her time, what do you guys think? I don't know what to do :/ - sorry this was rather long but I appreciate you taking the time to read.

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I'm 19, and as I would identify as quite an artistic person I am VERY self critical of any work that I do, and when feeling 'depressed' I have no motivation or ideas what so ever, but when I feel the 'highs' I REALLY feel them. I come up with so many crazy artistic projects that I feel will be SO successful and change how people view the wold. Creating sketches and plans, my ideas often working in overdrive as I jump from one idea to the other within a short period of time. I would look up artistic things like 'how to water-colour', 'how to spray paint', 'how to build my own DIY room', 'best way to stat medical school', 'How to join the CIA' and all sorts, to the point i will literally go and buy loads of things associating with each thing that i've googled in a space of an hour. But when the delivery comes I'm just liked 'why the **** did I just order all this', I literally have no idea what the idea was! It's like all these crazy ideas are there and all the top notch gear to produce what I had in mind. but I no longer giver a crap for the ideas, nor do I ever get round to producing a single one. Its like if i was to watch an episode of greys anatomy or something I'll immediately spend hours researching ways to get into medical school. If i watch a documentary about buddhism, I start looking for the best way to dread hair and flights to buddhist retreats.