Thank you ((((all)))) for caring and for what you have said. I am so exhausted mentally and feeling so tired. I feel so closed down, guarded, and confused as within is so chaotic and afraid. Seems right now I don't have a lot of words. They feel they are there floating among all the shards that I am trying hard to not look too closely at right now as I don't feel safe or have the energy it would take to feel or face much.

I find myself crying a lot, quiet for the most part, even hiding away. I have all but pushed everyone within trying hard to not allow them to step out right now as things seem so out of my own control and my own grasp at times. I fail, but I do try. I just don't have co-consciousness enough to stop it all. I try not to think, not to feel, but somewhere those things are ever pressing. Right now I just want to cry myself to sleep and forget I even exist at all.

I know that comes from fear, a fear I have not yet allowed myself to even look at. A fear I am too afraid to look at if it would even allow itself to be seen or known except within where it slides in and out of the recesses of my mind and all that reside there. The silence of those within to be known outside of myself right now I feel is what I have to do and it is a fight that sometimes I lose and regret and hate more towards myself ever grows.

I didn't know all that resides within myself, unfair to the world around me that loves me now, but it wasn't on purpose that this was hidden. I just didn't know. I didn't know how much I left myself as a child just to live. I didn't know that other parts of myself came to be to make that possible. And I still don't know why. Seems it would have been much easier to just die than to fight to live and now it all hits me like a ton of bricks, sometimes I feel it too heavy for me to lift off myself and to find that breath even worthy to be taken.

But then when I think of my own terror in dying maybe that played a big part in pushing my mind to do all it could to survive. I know that I am broken, sometimes the tiny pieces make their way to show parts of themselves that has no understanding, no idea where they are, or that time even has gone by. They are terrified, maybe just as or more terrified than I am of them.

I feel lost, and as the shards swirl within, pieces of a picture I don't know or understand for a moment shows itself before falling back in and among the shards still swirling, yet somewhere a familiar fear and knowing within also gasps, terrifying my already terrified mind. I feel like I am exposed, like even my skin is uncovered to the ugliness and marked me within, and I am ashamed and wanting to hide away even more; finding myself trying or at least hiding my own tears until I am alone and within the darkness that seems to understand.

I feel confused at myself and honestly afraid of what lies within those tiny shards within myself. So much hidden so deep in pieces the world may never see or know, and not that the world ever has too, I'd rather it not ever know as too much has already been heard and shown; but they don't leave myself or those within. I am exhausted, tired, and afraid. Will that ever stop? Only time I guess will ever tell. I'm honestly trying..............