TW csa, and other sad stuff.

I saw T yesterday for EMDR.

Started by talking about how I had felt since last time. I think I had dissociated and stayed that way, I felt separate and uncaring, and as if I was on autopilot. I didn't like it, it was how I had spent a lot of my childhood and adolescence, but I couldn't work out how to get out of it. And because I didn't care, my usual brake in thinking of doing something stupid wasn't there. So we spent the first part talking about staying safe.

Then we tried some more EMDR, trying to process this. We weren't sure how it would work because I wasn't in touch with the vulnerable bit of myself, but we kept going and eventually things started moving. We had started with a target memory of a sexual assault when I was 8, but eventually we got to a completely different memory. It was like there was someone screaming behind a barrier. Then it felt like being in a dark hole, except I didn't feel it, I just was aware of how it would feel on an intellectual level. After some time I realised that it was a very young me in the hole.

By this point I had begun to feel again a bit instead of being numb. It was like there were two parts of me, the older me and the tiny one. The tiny one felt total desolation, having been punished (smacked on the bare bottom, which I think was the link to the assault) and having nowhere to turn. Mummy was cross. I don't know what I had done, but she didn't love me and didn't want me and I was alone. The older me was trying to comfort the young one, there was something about a teddy bear.

The dark hole was a safe place where no one could see me and no one could hurt me. No one could get in.

This all came out in small bits, it kept slipping away from me. T asked if I knew how old I was, I think perhaps two or just three years old. It was before my brother was born anyway.

T wants to video the next session, so she can discuss it with her boss the consultant. I think she isn't sure quite what she should be doing and wants to make sure, which is sensible I suppose. I think I dissociated more than before...

I just feel so sad, as the little child and for her. So sad.

Thanks for reading. I just wanted to tell someone.