I've been in a master's program since fall. It has mostly come as a welcome change in my life since I have long considered it a goal for myself and would like to go all the way and work in academics/ research (which is what makes this all the more upsetting honestly). But it has been one near mental health problem after another. Granted, there has been a lot of stress and some medication changes that have made it all the more difficult, but I'm at the point where I literally am questioning if this education/ career is something that I can do given my mental state. I got the undergrad degree without much interference from mental illness (well, serious disruption, not like this now anyway) because I was able to fade into the background, not all attention to myself and back away to mentally regroup when needed.

Now it's like a constant need to perform. I don't have the constant energy or focus to keep up. Also, I lose it whenever I have to be the center of attention or have my abilities or opinions exposed or tested. I can barely talk in front of people, don't feel very intelligent or able to read/ think critically anymore. At times, I end up defensive and avoidant, and I've reach a point of not caring. I bounce between irritability, depression, anxiety mainly. It gets in the way of me functioning period, let alone as I should be able to.

The only reason I didn't fail out last semester was because I was able to get later deadlines and more time due to having a psychiatric disability. I was hoping not to have to rely on that again...I feel like how can I go on in academia if I need to always tell people about my condition? Or am I self-stigmatizing?