Hello everyone

Thank you for clicking my thread to read, I appreciate any feedback that I get from any supporters.

This is only my second post so bare with me because it took me forever just to figure out how to start a thread in the first place!

I am a very emotional person and have struggled with my emotions for quite some time. I don't have a label on myself but like many others I've bounced around with depression and anxiety. In my teenage years, I was very shut off from the world and lost friendships with almost everyone I knew. I am almost 22 now and nothing major has really changed.

I battled with an online relationship growing up because I thought that I knew better than everyone else and I could make it work with someone whom I had never met. I connected with this stranger who I still believe to this day he is who he said he was (only based on continuous photos on facebook of his life) and never wanted to do anything with anybody else. Just sit and text him, all day long. This was the most depressing time in my life and I held on for 2 years praying that one day he would come meet me and we could live happily ever after. Eventually, he started to pull away from me and went on with his life leaving me even more hurt and alone than I have ever been.

As time went on, I met a guy who is a year older than me that lived very close. I went right from this online relationship to a relationship with this local guy. Lets call him Fitz. For over 5 years, Fitz and I have been together. He is the most caring, loving, amazing person I have ever met in my entire life. We have been through so much together in the past 5 years from moving away together on our own, to moving back to his parents house and even getting our own cat. He has helped me grow and learn so much about myself and has always had my back. He is my rock, my everything, until very recently, we hit rock bottom.

This is a very fresh wound for me, so I will try to spare everyone the details. My relationship with Fitz pulled me out of my depression and made me so incredibly happy I never wanted to go back to being alone ever. I never wanted to leave his side, and as two very introverted people, it was extremely easy for us to sit at home night after night enjoying each others company.

One night, after experiencing a lot of stress from Fitz's family, I drank at home with Fitz. Naturally, from working so much, Fitz went to bed because he was totally exhausted. I was feeling frisky, and bummed that he went to bed. I went online and some guy started chatting me up, talking dirty to me. I kept drinking and went on webcam for him because it felt so good to hear the compliments he would feed me about how good my body looked. I knew it was wrong, but I ignored everything and kept drinking and let his "cheating" happen. I never saw the guy I was talking to but just loved hearing him talk to me. I went to bed and when I woke up Fitz was gone. He had heard everything and was heartbroken by the way I acted. I woke up, knowing I had messed up and was so incredibly hurt that I let this happen. It causes me so much pain to see him upset by something that I had done.

Months later, here I am, staying with my mother feeling sorry for myself because I single handedly have just thrown away the best relationship I have ever had. While it is my first love, I still want to make things work. I have had thoughts about whether or not I am too young to be in this kind of relationship and clearly I am because I messed it up and hurt my best friend. This is the first week I have been away from Fitz, and I have not made it easy on him because I keep texting, and calling, and showing up to talk with him in hopes I can make things work.

I am learning now, after hearing similar stories online, that I need to give him space. It is extremely hard not to see him everyday because this has been my routine for the last 5 years. Now that I am sitting here reflecting on my situation I have decided I need to pull myself together and be strong for me, and be strong for him. I need to be there for him only when he wants it and stay strong so I do not break down infront of him and make him feel worse than he already does.

The reason for telling you this LONG story is to get some opinions on what my internal battles are.
I have some social anxiety, I don't know how to maintain friendships because most of the time I don't feel comfortable around people. I don't know how to build friendships because that requires going out and spending time with people, which I don't usually want to do. On the other hand, being alone can be very painful, but the only person who I want to be around is Fitz and that can no longer be my life.
I am having some serious trouble finding some passion in my life. I feel like I don't know what makes me happy. For all these years I leaned on Fitz and relied on him for happiness. I know I need to be okay with myself and not rely on anyone for happiness but its all I have ever known.
How do I find what I love and make a life out of it? How do I deal with my anxiety, and how self-concious I am? Why wasn't Fitz telling me how beautiful and smart I am enough? Why do I need attention from other guys? Why don't I like being around anyone else?

I hope I can find some answers here, or I can be pushed in the right direction to solving these problems. I hope that I can change myself for the better and be a stronger, independent woman. If I can ever full Fitz back into my life, I want to have some of these problems solved so we can rebuild the relationship we had into something stronger. I am praying he comes back to me. And if he doesn't, these problems are still going to prevent me from living happily. I want to be happy, I just don't know how.

Again, thanks for reading my extremely long post. I needed to get it out. I am probably missing some pieces of information and am very open to hearing any questions or feedback. I need some help, and I am finally reaching out.[/FONT]