Christina Crawford wrote in her book "Survivor" that in order to heal she had to 'return' and find the little girl she'd left behind. I found that to be so profound because I too have two people, one a child and one an adult inside my head.

During one of my earliest EMDR sessions several years ago. I saw myself looking for the ruins where I knew I had left the child behind and found a crumbling building. I pushed my way through all the debris and finally, in the very center of the building, I found a little girl, who looked like me when I was about 8 years old. She was just standing there, wearing a tattered dress and barefoot, covered in filth from head to toe except for the trails of her tears on her face. I reached out to her, and even though she obviously didn't trust me, she allowed me to carry her outside into the sunshine. I cleaned her up and dressed her properly and promised her that I would never leave her behind again.

I have kept that promise, but it has not been easy. She is the irrational part of me and she's very demanding. She wants revenge. She wants the person who hurt her to suffer terribly. She's prone to fits of anger and never truly feels safe. Finally, I created a place for her in the middle of a clearing in an ancient forest. There she is safe and protected. She goes there when she's overwhelmed and a beautiful, regal she-wolf named Sheba (I really hate that name, but it's what came out as I was creating this place for her, so I'm stuck with it ) watches over her along with her cubs. The girl plays and sleeps with the cubs and Sheba makes sure they are all well fed and safe as she accepts the girl without any reservations as someone who needs her and being a wolf, it is not in her nature to abandon a cub in need, wolf or human.

As I heal, so does she, and while she still loves her meadow and knows that Sheba will always be there for her, she doesn't feel the need to go there as often as she used to, though she will without hesitation if she feels she needs to.

This had been a very important and significant part of my recovery. She represents the abused child I once was and gives me the freedom to explore the past because I know she will be safe in her meadow until I am ready to be with her. Then I go to the meadow and reach out my hand, she comes to me and takes it, and we walk back to the world through the ancient forest and talk of what we have learned. Sometimes, when I turn to look, I see Sheba sitting there, surrounded by her adorable cubs, at the edge of the forest as though to say, "When you come back, I will be here waiting as always......"

That all of this came out of me because of a single paragraph I once read by another survivor......

I hope this helps you in your sessions and your healing, Bluegrey, and thank you for posting your experience. Whether you intended it or not, you just validated my experiences with EMDR when I came away feeling sad trying to understand what was missing before I realized I had left a huge part of myself back there, in the Bad Place, and it was time to save her before it was too late.

WW