Hello, classic bipolar with massive depression cycles followed by really high manias where Im invincible. Im addicted to the following in order from most destructive in my life to least.

1. Gambling
2. Starting businesses/projects and failing in a epic manner for all to see
3. Internet (basically all the projects are Internet connected)
4. Weed (I'm in California and use med weed which I over medicate every day, but sometimes stop for long periods of time when Im going to attempt starting tomorrow)
5. Sex (this used to be much higher on the list, but I havent dated in years and this addiction is at bay now but can rear its ugly head in the future for sure.

I stopped taking my meds a few months ago as my Doctor fired me cause I wouldnt stop smoking weed. Im ready to stop now a I want to go back on meds (Lamictal and Lithium help a lot), but dont have a doctor, I see my shrink on Monday and hope she can help find one.

I don't have a job (had crappy job for a month but quit last week when in a mania and launching another failed business idea) and Im being supported by my family for long time now. I have serious authority issues and clash at jobs and usually quit within time. I have a masters degree and 13 years experience as a teacher/coach but those days are over.

Shrinks have never been a help for me. Ive been in 12 step programs for over 20 years on and off for gambling. I really dont like to gamble anymore but always find me doing it because its all I know. The projects get me into big trouble and need to stop it (do they have projects anonymous, lol).

Im pretty much killing my parents who are happily retired in their 70s who just want to chill and be active. My mother has been healthy her whole life but is going in next week for suspected breast cancer, the doc said 60% chance she is ok, but must do test.

I already went to partial day treatment in October for a month to no help.

I dont want to bring stress on my parents, but I have no support system but them.

I feel horrible about my mom and now want to try harder. I will go back on the meds, go to meetings, and do what I have to do, but it seems fruitless as when I get better I just go into a mania even when on meds and frack it up.

My two life goals have been to stay out of jail and to out live my parents not putting them through the tragedy of suicide (Im not suicidal now but have pondered before).

I feel so alone, like such a failure and traditional options dont work, but I have to try this time as my parents have sacrificed so much and I cant hurt them more, especially now.

They dont know I quit my job, off meds, using weed, etc. I'd rather fix this myself and get back on track quickly. I feel my heart wants the change this time, just gotta do it...

thanks for listening to me ramble, I just feel like there are no solutions .