Im sorry babe that your going through this mental anguish. It sounds like your living at the bottom at the moment. The worse thing that a bipolar can do is direct their thoughts inward where we usually end up beating ourselves to death. My brain lies, your brain lies, don't listen to it. I try tuning it out and just work on living. When I come out of depression, I take steps to improving my life situation. Hang in their sweety and try not thinking about it. Use your kids to keep you going! Keep them around you. They deserve and need their mommy.