(((rainwind))),

Firstly, don't be sorry about posting what you posted. The one constant that is expressed "after" someone shares a deep challenge is the need to say "I am sorry". I struggle that way myself and what I have come to recognize is that often what tended to happen to me in my past was being told in so many ways "not to feel or express challenging emotions".

I am so sorry that your mother behaved that way towards you, it was such an awful thing for any child to experience or understand and even have to figure out how to deal with emotionally. What many do not understand about PTSD is how these memories are re-experienced pyschologically, emotionally, and physiologically as well. "Sorry" has such a depth to it and is a self talk that takes a lot of effort to "slowly" dismantle, especially when the verbal abuse goes all the way back to very early childhood.

It is going to take "time" for you to mourn this history and you do have the right to finally do that with the right kind of presence that can sit "with" you as a witness and give you complete permission to finally express the deeply troubled emotions that you have with this history.

When I was working on this challenge myself, often in therapy I had racing thoughts and as I was talking about how I had been hurt, I would find myself loaded with different scenarios where this hurt was consistently taking place. It is this very challenge that is often misdiagnosed as Bipolar, which is not the case, and is instead something that a true trauma therapy specialist will see take place with their patients who present at a point of desperation, so much so that they struggle to function and find themselves easily overwhelmed.

However, this begins to be relieved as a patient is slowly given permission to talk through their deep challenge and begins to experience a sense of relief. So much so that often the patient is exhausted and actually wants to be someplace quiet where they can rest. I know for myself, I was always exhausted after therapy, even the next day and a few days if I covered some deep levels of painful experiences.

At one session I was talking to my therapist again with these racing thoughts and he gently stopped me and directed me to take a time out and just "sit" with the emotional challenge. So I did stop and sat and I cried. In that session it made me realize that I had been running away from the emotions, seemingly needing to quickly cover a lot of ground before being told "not to feel" that I had been consistently told countless times in my life. My husband had been especially famous for saying "stop" and even putting his hands out signaling me to stop when I needed to express my emotions. Or, if I talked to my older sister, as soon as I needed to express challenged emotions, she too would find a way to stop the conversation, yet, she would talk for a lengthy time if she needed to be emotional and I allowed her that and comforted "her".

So, in that session I was just given permission to actually "sit and feel" and it really was like having a true "adult" to talk to. The truth about "me" is that from a very early age, I was put into playing an adult position because there were many times where the "adult presence" was not present.

So, while I did not have the same exact scenario you had ((rainwind)), what we do share are times when the much needed adult presence was not there for us. And, there were times where our emotional challenges were "dismissed" or we had to learn how to hide them and try to find a way to deal with them alone, which children don't really know "how" to do. This is where that "sorry" begins for "many", because somehow they were made to feel that their emotional challenges were an "imposition" and that they should be ashamed if they do struggle emotionally.

A person may not develop PTSD or what is called "complex PTSD", however that person may be challenged with "depression and tend to turn anger inward" or struggle with anxiety or what is called GERD too.

Your mother was a person who struggled with MI, she did not really have the capacity to deal with a child that needed "nurturing" and her saying to you that things would be better if you were not a part of her life was because she was not capable of giving of herself to "anyone" and often not even herself. A child really doesn't have the capacity to understand this, yet they do learn to try to conceal their emotions and even feel "shame" for having challenging emotions.

What you need to finally be "allowed" to do is finally "grieve" this history and all the pent up emotions that you did not have someone there "for" YOU, to allow you to feel, validate these feelings, and comfort you. As you slowly work on finally grieving this history, you will slowly "heal", and it does take "time" to accomplish that process.

You "are" and always have been a "human being" ((rainwind)), and human beings are designed to have "emotions", it is wrong to tell another human being to be ashamed of something they are designed to have. That is why paying attention to "self talk" is very important too, as you should not be denying self either.

((Caring Supportive Hugs)))
OE