Well today was the day I had been dreading: saying goodbye to T1. The man who made me feel understood, cared for, and like my feelings counted, who was on my wavelength, who showed me care and showed me how to care for myself. A man I love.
It was comforting and healing beyond my expectations. I started by telling him about seeing T2, and I told him how I had spent the last 2.5 months trying to unravel what was happening for me towards the end of therapy with him. I explained that I felt there was transference, but also there were real genuine feelings for him, and it was too hard for me to be in a boundaried therapeutic relationship with him, because I would always crave friendship with him, and there can be no resolution to that. I said that this ending will be immensely painful for me, but grief is something I can heal from, I can't heal from repeated hurt.
He said he found it hard to hear that there had been repeated hurt, but I reassured him that he didn't cause the hurt, circumstances caused the hurt.
I was tearful when I told him that during the break I coped well because I left my inner child with him, in that safe, comforting environment, and it was scary that I had to take her away with me today. He said I needed to nurture her, and he was glad I was continuing therapy.
There were some nice moments, just chatting like old times. I told him I would miss all the things that make therapy with him unique, like when we journaled sessions and read each others journals, and I told him I always wanted to take a walk with him one session, and I'm sad that won't happen.
I read him the goodbye poem I wrote for him, and he said it was powerful and thanked me for it.
We had a couple of quiet moments just looking into each others eyes. That was always one of my favourite moments of therapy with him. I told him he had warm and smiling eyes and that I would miss those moments.
I asked him if I could contact him in the future and he said he would love to hear from me, especially as I'm planning to start a counselling and psychotherapy course and he wants to know how I get on. He also said he would continue to look at my online poetry, which I regularly post, and it feels good to think of him reading it.
He walked me to the gate as he always does (therapy is at his home) and he shook my hand then went for a cheek to cheek kiss. I asked him for a hug and he smiled and hugged me. This was a hugely healing experience for be because the biggest rupture we had centred around me asking him for a hug and him saying no.
All in all I'm left feeling strangely euphoric, like a huge weight has been lifted. I'm sure it will give way to grief at some point, but I'm feeling somewhat buoyant at the moment.