i never post here, oh well here it goes.

i have a baby's father - very abusive relationship in every way for 7 years. i finally broke free, it still is not over however. we have been broken up for 4 months now. i got him to move out, but he has come back. the problem is he is on my lease. i noticed he was hanging around my house alot - he says to "be with the baby". this is bull****. how do i know? i know because he is outside smoking dope with all the neighbors instead of being with the child. i can't ******** stand this ****. i am trying to file a restraining order and i don't even know what in the hell i am doing. i have a place to go - the problem is, i can't just leave with the child because i risk being charged with kidnapping. i can't even freaking think straight right now. i am so damn angry, i want this to be over. i want to go to my grandma's house where there will be peace for my child and me.

i have a boyfriend, whom i am fighting with now because of this whole situation.
i don't freaking know man, i am sick of dealing with this lazy a ss leech who is using the fact that we have a child to trap me in a cycle of abuse. I HATE THISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

i can't even relax - this lazy a ss just came up here and *****ed at me about some damn cookies. WHY DO I HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS?

and my poor kid, he's confused all the time because of this.
the baby's father starts crap with me; i snap. then he starts saying i am scaring my kid. he is the one scaring the kid, throwing me at the walls, punching on me. all kinds of stuff i'd rather not share because at this point it isn't even important.

i have called the sheriffs department repeatedly. they can't help me because he is on the lease. i'm ******** going insane people.

i have schizoaffective disorder.
i have past substance abuse issues.
am i allowed to say that some marijuana sounds ******** awesome right now? i'm not going to use however - because i know where i end up. i have deeper issues than marijuana. none of that matters. i'm not going to use over this.

i don't know what this post is suppose to be about, i need to dump. whoever is willing to reply, thank you in advance. i don't know what i'm looking for in a reply. maybe someone has some words of hope, because i feel hopeless in this situation. i feel out of control. i feel angry. i feel trapped.

i'm not going to act like i am a total victim in this past relationship either, recently, about two days ago, i beat this ex-boyfriend i blacked his eyes. this is crazy because, he is a gang member. i'm sorry, but when i've had it i do dumb things. i am risking my freedom because i am angry. maybe someone can send me some bible verses, or some words of comfort. i don't know what the hell i'm looking for. hope hope hope hope change change change. i'm over this, i'm done rambling. thanks for listening.