Sounds like a very tough time. As I was reading your story, I kept thinking about how you've been abandoned in the past and so I wonder if there's a part of you, despite how good things were going with Fitz, who had been waiting for the other shoe to drop. It is really hard to trust and rely on others when we've been hurt in the past. Is it possible that a part of you, when you went online, was seeking some sort of reassurance when you were feeling lonely? Alcohol does tend to lower inhibitions, but drinking when you were already feeling down makes me think that the alcohol was a way of coping or to escape the painful feelings you were experiencing as well. I'm not sure if any of this is accurate or at all helpful, but thought I'd share some of the things that came to mind as I read your story.