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sunrise said:
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SecretGarden said:
I am not sure how much of my depression is genetic /chemical and how much is situational.

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SG, I wouldn't make too much about this distinction. As I like to say to my therapist, "everything is biochemical." When our situational, life events send us into depression, they do so, in part, by altering the levels of the neurotransmitters in our brains. So even though this depression has its root in unfortunate life events, it is definitely biochemical. That's why anti-depressants can help depression that is triggered by life events. Similarly, there are things we can do in our lives to help balance our brain chemicals. That's why CBT can help depression. It promotes lots of little life changes that each positively affect our biochemistry. (Please note: I am not trying to say that everyone can deal with depression through CBT or without meds.)

I do not think that CBT ever has been my therapy of choice but I have exposure and at this time it may help me get back on track... Thanks. Luckily some of this has been ingrained but sometimes a refresher course is in order. I also had a pdoc briefly who told me that chemical and situational play off each other sometimes to make a depression grow. I know that when the chemical gets more in line that things will be better. I am also dealing a bit with situalional (I have mentioned earlier) so that plays in to it all too.

One of the most important factors to me in combatting my depression was regaining hope. That is very abstract and ill-defined, but it helped me so much (way more than CBT stuff).

Hope and fight I always say... I seem to go up and down. The hope is here at the moment. The fight is healing but bit by bit coming back.

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like a wound is perpetually open

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SG, I don't think therapy has to be like this.

I think that despite my sensitivities, I am a tough cookie to change and so there is frustration on both of our parts. I do not think that my wound is always open but the therapy is always active and everpresent.

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my pdoc says that I have not affected my core in 15 years

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What does that even mean? Can you give an example? What would a SecretGarden look like whose core had been effected? How would you be different from how you are now if your core was affected? I find your T's statement really vague. Do you find it helpful when he says stuff like that?

This is oft discussed lately. The thought is that to get to the core work has to be done which we have been doing... for years. He says I am now ready and I feel this too. I actually found/find it painful but he repeats now that that does not mean we have not done alot of work. It is that working on the core will help the other work not be deminished or as he says.. to grow back as we have been clearing brush.

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I am middle aged now... with alot I have not accomplished in life.

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SG, are you putting your life on hold while you wait for therapy to end?

I think that when I started therapy I was so dysfunctional that I was indeed not mommy material. This last visit he said I would have been a good enough mom. I think that he may be speaking of now..but I am too old. I was not ready to have a husband and I did attempt to be promoted but the stress was great. So I had hoped that there would be much waiting for me as a result of the incredible work that we have done. I suppose I know now that I am so much better but in my depression I wonder what the value / purpose of my life has been. Now working on what else I might do or different directions. I have not given up on being a couple...and I have progressed in my job and many things... but not to the potential that I have limited by my core ... my psychie. Thank you.