Oh my god -- yes. At the beginning of the week I started feeling like my brain had holes in it. I literally started fearing and questioning that. I felt blurry and in between realities, if that makes any sense. That's what made me go back on my meds. I couldn't let myself get deeper into that rabbit hole. Which leads me to your next point -- yes. I feel like I'm doomed to be eating pills forever.

I don't even have an official diagnosis, but more and more I'm realizing that I possibly am bipolar. I started realizing it last year, at 31. And I do feel like I've been getting worse. In fact, that I've gotten worse is what led me to actually face the possibility that I might be bipolar. Before, I vehemently denied that possibility. I'm uncomfortable even now admitting that possibility. But the more I read here and the more I look back at how I was in my twenties...it kinda makes sense.

It's odd though. In some ways I'm worse, and in others I'm better. Some of my coping skills are better than before (way better), but the strength of the states I wind up in feel stronger and way worse.