Yeah, it's worse. I used to be able to use my hypomania to my benefit. This was before a diagnosis. Back when i only worried about the depressive parts that were the elephant in the room. I even won an award during a year that now recognize was largely a hypomanic year. (Ran circles around everybody. High off of me. everybody can't do that? Too bad for them, like must be boring, i digress. . .)

Then the stress came that overran my ability to sustain. Mixed I guess, i don't know. Depression and no sleep altogether. So, let's help her sleep (anxiety keeping me up) Now lets change it to an SSRI since that rx can be addictive(depression keeping me in tears, can't motivate myself to function) ride of my life, more stress, more cycles . . . diagnosis BP-I, really? Thought I'd at least get a BP-II. Think those teenage years is what got me. . . I keep trying to erase history to say it was the trial run of the meds, but there was a reason for the first, and second prescriptions (and third, and forth, and fifth. . . ) I hate it. It's like Charlie from flowers for algernon. As long as you live unaware about how great things can be, then you are ok. Once you figure out, "ohhhh this is what balance feels like," and you accept it could be like that everyday, you strive for it, long for it. Sucks. But such is life.
Too many pills in my hand already, and i can't complain compared to some of my friends here. The idea that these meds may not work forever is scary. What has to happen for you to figure that out. I am terrified of what I went through the months leading up to my seeing the pdoc for the first time. The idea that I've been more up and more down over the last few years has been scary. Have not been to the hospital and I'm scared to death. I can't control what happens.

I don't know what triggers what, why there is a trigger, chicken or the egg, am i in normal range of emotions. .. We just have to push through and keep going. Persevere. Wait it out. Mood swings are taxing on the brain and the body.

Think about it, challenged to function with the locus of control malfunctioning. Making judgement calls using a faulty judge. Take the meds, stuff the meds, see the doc, hate the doc, reach out, isolate, make a plan in advance, stuff the plan, i don't care, I'm fine today, why is everybody asking me if I'm ok, got these thoughts, seek help, do they care to help. Delusional? Did you (non BP individuals) curse at me, makes perfect sense to me-- you are just suck in the box of norm and conform, and the list goes on and on.

We are a strong group of individuals. I am obsessed with finding my way back to managing med free, but i'm also watching my untreated (according to her, undiagnosed) mother fall apart. Her responses to my telling her of my dx:

"I probably should have been on medication a long time ago. I chose not to."

"Nothing's wrong with you, you just have a a lot of stress. Get the stress off of you, tell a few people off like I do and you will be fine."

She, with the herbal remedies that were ever-present on the kitchen table while i was growing up. I looked for some too. Ticked off with her for not getting me help sooner.

She flat out won't go see anyone about her mental health. Yet she builds a storm shelter in her back yard in preparation for a massive storm. Including a plan to find a huge boulder to place on top to keep it from flying away (out of the ground!!) Makes perfect sense to her.

So mom, which one is it?? Nothing's wrong or someone told you something was wrong and you ran?

Alwayschanging2, Keep getting treatment. Like you said to me the other day, it could be worse. Watching my mom is conditioning me to take my meds. Not eating pills could be worse. Just call it "4th meal."

My reply is way too long. . . Quite a ramble. . . I must be "up. Well, at least I can recognize it and enjoy the ride. Thank God for weekends.