Welcome to PC BudFox! I'm glad you posted what you are going through and hopefully you will find good support here. I have found it to be a good augmentation to therapy. I am able to reach out at all hours of the day and at least share what is going on even if no one replies. I can't do that with a T so it has been great. Also, it is just a comfort to be so open and share with others who are going through the same thing. I have been able to share here things I wouldn't be able to tell anyone else at times and I don't fear too much judgement. It has helped to hear from others who have gone through the same experiences as I, so I do not feel so alone. Also, there are not many groups in my town, so I am able to connect with others in a "group like" therapeutic (for the most part) setting. I also like that it is anonymous (though I won't go overboard sharing personal details because it is an online thing, even though it is well moderated).

So, your post. I relate to so much of it! I fell in love with a former T, became obsessed (and yes he was perfect, I idealized and worshiped him). But it ended badly for me. I had his personal info (he shared with me) so I was calling and calling one day, very depressed, and getting his voicemail. He too gave me a no contact thing, although he never told me this it just happened. Over a year ago, he all of a sudden stopped replying to my emails. He never returned any contact I made to him. And he had given me address, phone number, etc.. So I emailed, sent letters, packages, money, tried calling a few times. I often fantasized about going to his house at night, overdosing in his front yard, and having him find me dead the next morning. That is how extreme I wanted to show him to demonstrate the extreme pain this loss had caused me. Yes it was re-traumatizing from probably a past attachment of some sort. I had no idea that all that would happen and I didn't know a thing at the time, about transference, countertransference, or attachment issues.

Long story short, nearly a year after he cut off all contact without talking to me about it or telling me why, I drank a bottle of booze, called him several times and got his voicemail and left messages, the last one I told him I was taking the bottle of pills right then. Because I had failed. And I did. I took the whole bottle and almost died. I wouldn't have cared if I did. He hurt me that much. And I allowed it. I was so vulnerable because of the attachment, and he just dropped me like I was nothing to him. And gave me no explaination. I was shattered.

Here is where it begins to take a turn, thankfully. I have a new T. I was soooo resistant about this at first because no one could ever be like my old T (I don't care that he hurt me I still idealize him and still love him). However, I needed something. It is like if one med gets pulled off the market and you all of a sudden can't take it any more for your life-threatening disease. You still need to take meds for it, so you look for a new med or you die. That is what finding a new T has been like.

I have seen new T for 9 sessions now. She is the only one, besides posting here, that I have told about everything that happened with old T. She talks about old T and allows me to process the relationship with old T as much as I need to. Even if it takes a whole session, she is fine just working through that and allowing me to process and giving me good feedback. It has helped. It will never replace old T. And I have to be honest when I still hold out and hope to see him again someday. If only to heal this rupture in my heart once and for all. It would be so nice to come out on the other end with a male person and have it not end in sex and then abandonment. It would be nice to have a relationship with a male person such as this and have it be healing instead of sexualized. It would be nice to have an older person to look up to and be mentored and sheltered by. I still hold on to the hope that someday, he will be what I need him to be.