Thank you.

I guess I worry that since there may always be times where I am not well enough to function, this is will make it impossible to have a job that requires me to constantly be on, or that my mental state will always lead me toward self-destructive avoidance or disengagement. Right now, I have very limited amounts of energy and motivation. I can get reading done and some stuff written, but I don't feel excited or energetic. I'm obviously very depressed and anxious, but that's right now. I'm hoping once I stable on meds in the coming month or so, I'll be somewhat better. It's hard to say what that will look like until I get there.

I feel like I'll be shaken for a lot longer though. I've lost all my confidence and hope and any sense of being grounded in myself, my interests and hopes. It's like I'm just here, going through my life, feeling disconnected and purposeless but at the same time, not ready to give up. Academics are stressful and competitive for the even the most mentally healthy. How can someone who nearly killed themself during their first semester (and then had to take a week off the third week of their second semester due to extreme instability) claim to want to have a career in it? Earlier this week, I literally couldn't speak in class because I got so overwhelmed that everyone was listening to me. In response to that, I told the professor I have a mental illness. Most everyone knows. Most have been as patient as possible with me, a few extremely kind. It's not that I'm worried about people knowing...it's that I'm worried at what does it become obvious this isn't working?