Dear Bipolar,
It seems you get a pretty bad rap. Truth is, I don't mind so much. When you first showed up, you didn't introduce yourself, but for once in my life I actually believed in myself. I had confidence that I could accomplish my goals. I started seeing the world as a beautiful place instead of the shithole that it is. I believed in something that came from within me instead of trying to force myself to believe in whatever everyone else has been trying to force me to believe in all of my life. For a week, everything made perfect sense and I knew true peace. But then the confidence you gave me started becoming too much for those around me. They did all they could to take you away. They yelled at me every thirty minutes all night long because I wasn't falling asleep fast enough for them. They got me all worked up and had me go to the hospital when all I really wanted to do was sleep since it was the first time I had been tired in about a week. Then at the hospital they put me in this creepy *** room that only had this recliner made of plastic and a clock to stare at in it, instead of in a normal emergency room with a bed with a sheet and a blanket in it so I would at least be comfortable like any other ER patient. Then when I got uncomfortable sitting by myself in that room for too long and I got up to leave and go to my home which was in walking distance, they locked me in the hospital and stood in front of me so I couldn't go anywhere. When I said that they legally couldn't hold me there against my will, they ignored my rights and kept me anyway. Then when I started crying for someone to help me, they told me I needed to be quiet because there were patients there that were having heart trouble. They didn't give a shot about the heart trouble I was having. They just called security and had me dragged back to my room. Then they forced me into rolling over and pulling down my pants in front of five people because I realized if I didn't, they would hold me down and do it by force anyway since they were ignoring my requests to be orally sedated instead. They took me to the mental hospital by ambulance instead of letting my husband take me and charged me $400 for a 3-mile ride. The folks at that hospital were nicer but they let me out after a night without much of an explanation other than 'I hope this isn't the beginnings of Bipolar Disorder'. The other patients there, however, were a godsend. They were the only ones aside from you who actually understood what I was going through. They made me feel accepted and welcome.

After that didn't get much better. I had to go back to counseling, and the counselor forgot to do my treatment plan for the second time. So all we did was talk about things that made me sad again. She couldn't even give me a straight diagnosis other than 'sounds like you might be bipolar'. So I went and spent my time and money there for six months until we decided not to see each other anymore and then she decides to tell me that she doesn't know if I have bipolar, that she's not a good diagnostician. So all I got that was really helpful was a script for Seroquel to help me sleep. But now all I want to do is sleep.

But I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at society for saying it's not okay to be me. For forcing sedatives on me until I'm not me anymore. And for telling me what I can't be, but then when I ask for help to be what I should be, I get nothing. I'm tired of society expecting me to stick my neck out all the time, to go the extra mile, but then when I need something I get treated like ****. I hate that they made me doubt myself. I hate that I'm $60k in debt because I attempted to become a counselor myself before all this went down, and now I have no faith in the system or in myself, but I have no choice but to continue on this path because the loans are what pays most of the bills.

I just miss you and want you to come back and make me believe in myself again. But I know that if and when that happens, people will be right there to bring me back down again.