>>I know I showed warning signs.

One other problem with depression I've discovered is that it very much distorts our... I don't want to say "self image," but rather how we think people perceive our actions.

Probably part of the isolation that becomes habit and also the instinct to "put on a happy face" and hide our pain from others... When we decide to take the mask off and let people know we need help, VERY often we think we are being clear but we really haven't changed anything.

The day before I was hospitalized, I knew I was in trouble. I had been sliding downhill for two years, had a suicide plan, was hiding it from everyone... then I went into my now "infamous" four days of no sleep and no eating.

However I didn't actually jump to the suicide plan... I knew I was feeling really bad and that I shouldn't be alone. So I called a friend and asked him to come over. He said he would stop by in the afternoon. He never did. That's when I decided that it was time to act on my plan (I didn't try it, I called a hotline instead and that led me into the hospital).

I was VERY very upset that this friend didn't show up. As my mind cleared however I realized it was largely my fault, because what I said to him and what I thought I was saying were two completely different things.

In my mind, I was desparate, I called, and said "Can you come over today, I'm feeling really badly, and I don't think I should be alone." And I assumed that "I may be in danger" was sort of implied in there.

But I realized that what I actually said was "Are you busy this afternoon? I'm here by myself today and I'd like some company. If you have time can you stop by sometime this afternoon?"

He's a busy guy and it is not unusual to have an open ended "I'll stop by if I can get out early" thing. I thought I was setting up a special "emergency" visit when to him it was just a common call.