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Originally Posted by BudFox
So you fell in love with your T? And you terminated because of the boundary problems, or because your feelings for him made it unworkable? Sorry you are going thru this too. What were the boundary issues?
I have horrible internal conflict because, like you, i was getting hurt over and over. But I also feel overwhelming desire to go back because of the attachment pull I guess, plus I need the meaningful connection desperately. I became a junkie and she was my fix, and then the drug was withdrawn with no tapering, no replacement, and i went into a spiral.
For me what became very dangerous was the idealization (not sure what exactly led to that). She felt so perfect that I could not bear to go on without her in my life. Thought about her constantly. So when she cut me off, became distant, subtly blamed and shamed me, the disillusionment was crushing.
Aching void… indeed, well said. Good that you have someone to help you now.
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I left because I kept being hurt. His boundaries were quite inconsistent at times, like he was very big on self disclosure, and encouraged email between sessions, but then would withdraw and go all 'professional' in his language and demeanour without warning and I found that confusing and painful.
I can relate to the thing about it feeling like a drug (in fact a line in a poem I once wrote went "I crave it like it's smack/I don't know where it's leading but I keep on going back")
I think I realised that I was going to be heartbroken either way, because I would never have the relationship I wanted with him, so I had to choose between the repeated pain of rejection, which I can't heal from in an ongoing relationship, or grief, which hurts even more, but that I can heal from.
Sometimes a T just doesn't have the skillset to deal with severe attachment issues. I think it's best in those cases that both client and T try to learn something from the situation and move on, though it's undoubtedly painful for both.
I hope you find healing going forward
