Thank you hooligan. I am not currently under any treatment. I have previously been on antidepressants and in reflection I see that this actually caused mania. I felt absolutely wonderful, on top of the world, like a **cking ROCKSTAR! But my actions and behaviors were really out of control. At the time though I felt like that was what "normal" was actually suppose to be especially after deep depression. Since then I have sought treatment and the requirements of the program were to attend at least 3 counseling sessions to get a referral to see pdoc. I did not respond well at all to the counseling and didn't even complete 3 sessions. I truly was seeking antidepressants ( this was before I realized the push into mania- still believing I only had depression issues and so wanting to return to those good feelings) So knowing what I know now.... I am seeking treatment and am hoping that I am ready to help someone help me. re the thoughts: I have in the past left work to go and find "proof" because I could not function at work, crying, unable to think of anything else. This last time I would wake up in the morning totally consumed with the thoughts, literally spend my day trying to find something incriminating and thinking, rethinking everything in my head. By lunch time I would be exhausted with myself, desperately seeking distraction because I wanted, needed it to stop. by the 3rd day or so I knew how destructive this was and knew that I was pushing him away and I had to stop or it would end in separation... my worst fear, but still the very next morning I would be right back at it. It was exhausting. this time felt worse because I was actually aware of the consequences and COULD NOT make myself stop.