I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I know it's mind boggling how a parent can be so cold and mean to their child. I have some experience with this with my father. For years I hated him, but loved him, because how could I not? He is my father. I couldn't understand how he could be so cold and treat us like he did. Fact is, we won't ever get the answer we want. And as difficult and hurtful as it is to cut a parent out of your life- whether it be somewhat or completely- it can be the best choice. I came to a point where I realized I didn't need his negativity in my life anymore. I didn't need the feelings of shame and hurt he inspired in me. I couldn't keep living my life in a healthy way and still be connected to him. It sounds like you are at the same place.

It may feel like you are being mean, but look at what your mother has said and done to you. She is the one who should be feeling bad. But that's the thing with abusers, they make their victims feel that sadness. You need to live your life for you, and do what is healthiest for you. You have lived your life trying to appease your mother long enough. Do what you need to do for you, whatever that turns out to be.

I wish you the best and good luck!