I feel clobbered.

I'm down to the very last of my savings. I'm trying to renegotiate foreclosure on my house. I'm on my last 32 days until I get kicked out. I'm behind on all my bills, and waiting for my first unemployment check. I've been holding off even paying my lawyer, I told him I'd pay when I got my first check. Everyone has been 100% sure (even the lawyer) that I would receive benefits. My old boss (two jobs ago) who is a multimillionaire claimed unemployment benefits twice in the past few years because business has been slow and he has been unable to take a paycheck from business he owns (the one that made him a multimillionaire).

So I'm checking the mail each day for confirmation, and/or for my first check.

Got a letter today. I am disqualified, uneligible for benefits. Because my illness was not work related (I should have said that it was work related but I didn't want to make waves). I can't freakin' believe it.

To top it off, I got two identical envelopes in the mail, two identical letters, both dated the same day, one says that I am eligible and the other says I'm disqualified.

I read both letters carefully and the dismissing one is the final determination. But they had to send two letters just to drive me nuts. I don't know how I am going to even pay for food for the next few weeks.

I took an unemployment claim for about 3 weeks one time in my life about 10 years ago. I have been paying into the system HEAVILY for over 20 years. And now I can't get anything because being ill is not an acceptable work-related reason for leaving my job.

I am going to try for SSI benefits but I'll starve to death before that comes through. And I don't know how I would have my checks delivered to the sidewalk.

The bad episode that almost put me in the hospital several weeks ago, part of the way I coped was by getting perspective, and this unemployment was a big part of that. I really considered it a "sure thing" which was a mistake but I listened to everyone who told me I'd get it.

I don't know what I am going to do now. My heart has already been racing for the past half hour or 45 minutes and I think I may not be able to sleep tonight. I am going to try to make it to the club tonight anyway. But I don't know if I should be spending money on that? My T agreed that I should keep going and should consider the cost of it an important part of my recovery plan... just like the money I lay out for meds. but that was last week when we were assuming I'd get the UI.