So bad...

Why the **** can't I just get over **** on my own. I tried to ask my therapist (who works at a sexual assault centre) that surely she must of had someone with a similar 'story' or past as mine and how ****ed up where they?? She wouldn't answer (obviously) but I just feel so ******* weak. I am totally surrounded by help but I am facing going into an ED treatment centre for I don't even know how long then maybe a trauma treatment centre after

That seems a bit ****ing extreme but I can't get a handle on things. I can't stop binging and purging, I can't stop restricting, I can't fix the thing getting in. The way of doing trauma work as my therapist puts it so how the **** if I can't even fix a little ED am I going to go through trauma work???

She gave be DBT homework. Anyone start into that workbook. Why doesn't it just put on the front page- your mind is broken and you don't think like a regular 'normal' human being so wipe clean what you know or what you think you know of the world and yourself and everything g around and start fresh.... Like holy ****. All this time I i thought I was clever (clever I know I am not very smart) but that is not true. I am just ****ing broken.

Sorry I hope this is not offending anyone, it's an attack on myself not any specific illness or Mental Health in general. It is like I have two complete opposites in me, the one who wants to conquer and one day be an advocate for mental health and the other that just thinks all the problems are created on your own, that you should just get over it, that you are weak for not being able to. That people who have gone through much worse aren't even as bad off so wtf is wrong with you...

My negative side is strong tonight. My husband left for out of town (work) and my two year old is going on a road trip with the grandparents tomorrow for 3 days.... It's going to be a loooooooong week if I stay in this ******* mind set. Just me and my head... And the gym. **** thank god I have the gym to pull me out.