kimmydawn--

Fear is so real to so many that it is paralizing at times. Here in real life for me, I have people telling me all the time that fear is false evidence appearing real. It angers me becaus eit takes away the validation I so need.

The people here that are telling me this have never gone through what many of us have gone through. The fear I know stops you in your tracks, laughs at you because it can, and pierces your very being.

I am not allowed here to talk at all about anything from the past as it is said that there is nothing that can be done and that it does no good to talk about it. I have been given cards with verses on them to say anytime a memory comes.

So fear of fear itself is very real for me. I am afraid of being afraid and letting anyone know that I am, because I would get in trouble. So I hide anything I feel and I never tell anyone.

Another secret. That is so much where everything started secrets. And I feel that the abuse goes on and on because there are so many secrets again. I live inside with many others because living outside is too dangerous. I come out at night when I know no one will come.

Silence as all day I only talk to myself so that no one knows. Only inside where there are us's and we's does anyone dare to feel. So when I come here and quietly let out what is inside--the fear takes the first and foremost place.

It is only here that it is safe to say how scared we are. And I get afraid that just like out here in my world, I will get in trouble for saying what is eating me alive--fear.

I do not know if I have made any sense. I so need to make sense. I want to make sense. I am afraid of what I feel so intensely itself--fear. Sometimes I am so tired at the end of the day and I have not said a word to anyone--just myself--my head.

I fear fear itself. And it just gets bigger and bigger inside. But this I hide and it eats me alive. Everyone is scared here. Scared to push the send button but scared to push the delete button. We need someone to know.

purplesecrets