i suppose they meant it to be an inspiration. so many people were such an inspiration. so much talent and success. but as i read some of the names, i thought of their stories, the struggles, the tragedy. i imagined vincent van gogh cutting off his ear. and i was sitting alongside kurt with his shot gun. and didnt sylvia off herself as well? why, oh, why would they put such horrific things when they are are trying to make a positive spin on mental illness. and here when i was totally telling t this morning that i had no ideas of hurting myself, i have no desire to fight this any longer. because this reminded me that i cant win. i have always known that this illness will take me out. i have fought so long and thought i beat it, but you know, here it has taken me down again, reminding me that i will never win. so as i sit here, i cant help visualizing myself sitting alongside kurt, a bottle of jack sitting on the floor before me, waiting for my turn.