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I'm not sure what kind of support I need or what I am looking for.
I'm not "sugar coating" what happened but it can be triggering.
I recently got diagnosed PTSD with characteristics of Dissociation and Derealisation, and BPD with Panic Disorder. Then, ADHD. The doctor linked everything to PTSD.
I've been seeing my counselor for a year and half and last week I asked him how long does this take. He told me 2-12 years. I feel I have zero hope. I really connect well with the counselor, he is the only one that I trust the most in my life. It's starting to get easier to open up now but it's still hard. I refuse to talk about what happened, I've mentioned it to him, but I never go in detail. I actually steer clear of going there.
The Psychiatrist referred me to receive treatment at a hospital for EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) which not sure when that will start, there's a wait list of a year and half for the program.
I am just not ready to go through all of this, to actually talk. I feel it's more harm than good. I can't get passed it. The counselor is the only real support I have. I have no family, I just have a few friends that I don't talk to very much. He wants to put me in a group that he runs for Sexual Abuse Survivors, but he knows I am not even close to being ready for that. He takes everything slow and is gentle about everything.
I don't know what I'm suppose to do. I don't know how I'm suppose to allow myself to talk about it more other than talk about details that I am okay with, when I do talk about it, I have no emotion in my voice, my voice is dead. I don't talk about it, usually we talk about how my past is affecting my current life and he is very gentle and he always wants to know where I stand, like emotions.
I just don't feel there is any hope in getting better. I have to live with it. Live with things that I haven't told anyone, not even him. It feels unreal, everything is unreal. I made myself believe everything that happened was a horrible dream and it happened to someone else.
Just don't know.
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