Quote:
Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie
to give to my therapist in session. A note that quickly explains my pain, is educational with facts perhaps about attachment and how I need help with it. I can't move on until this issue is addressed and learn what will happen; like him dumping me as a client because he cant deal with it.
I can not bear this attachment I have. It is all consuming, I can't function without daily contact with him, I feel defined by him and non-functioning without knowing he is in my life to help. I hate how desperate this part feels whenever I decide I need to drop therapy all together because it hurst so much. I become depressed, destraught and withdrawn as well as suicidal. I need his help navigating through these emotions but everytime I sit to write this note I cant do it.
I fully understand why this attachment happened. I have read enough on my own and have read about peoples suffering with it on this forum.
I am not in love with him. It is not sexual. I do love him but I am not sure in what capacity, father, dear friend, something else. I have never felt like this before so I do not know where to file it in my brain.
I can not deal with how this makes me hate all that I am for feeling like I am nothing without his help and attention in my life. It makes me feel small and broken, weak and pathetic.
I am overwhelmed by this and fear I am going to end up in the ER from a botched attempt of easing my pain.
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Hello MD
I am so sorry to hear how confused and frightened you are by the very powerful and painful feelings you are experiencing. I find that it helps a lot, when in such a place, to understand what might be happening to you. Once you have some understanding it will be easier to speak about your experiences.
I don't know how much you know but will try to explain it abit to you anyway. I think the feelings you are experiencing don't come from an adult place, which explains why the adult part of you isn't sure if the feelings belong to the adult. The feelings are from the baby/infant part of you and you are in what we would call a regressed place - your mind is taking you back to a very young place so something can be worked through that you couldn't do back then. This is what therapy is often about and us quite normal but scary if we don't understand it. Try not to be unkind to yourself because actually your body is very clever and is telling you what you need to do.
Try to imagine how a little baby/child feels. We are totally dependant our main caregiver (usually mother) to stay alive. When a baby cries it actually thinks it is dying. To be left means to die. That's how serious it is. A baby has no concept that mother is there when out of sight - there is no object consistency and the baby is just a ball of primitive impulses. Those very powerful feelings you describe, and sometimes feeling suicidal, are about those primitive feelings. It feels you might die if you are left? That is where you are and it is very scary. I hear that. The baby needs the mother to be available and consistent and to 'hold' both physically and psychically, with her body, her voice, her eyes and mind. This is what you are desperately seeking and needing right now and it needs to be talked about and understood - this can really help to hold you. It is very important that you and your therapist can understand this together and I hope he has the knowledge and experience to be there for you. Some reparative work needs to be done in therapy.
Your post is beautiful and explains it so well - you have already written the note to your therapist!
Your pain needs to be understood and treated with the utmost respect, both by yourself and your therapist.
I wonder if you could use the words you have already written here, alongside my words too if it helps, to tell your therapist? I hope he can hear you and has the ability to help you through this very important work.
You are in my thoughts.
Moon
