how long can one fight to over come? one must ask - if the fight is worth it if victory is never at hand...

I am so very thankful that i made it thru the day at the hospital, waiting while my friend had surgery... the long hours.. thankful for the successful outcome... watching the surgeons come in deliver good/bad news...i felt myself go numb part way thru the day... sick, worn out, sitting on a hard chair... pretending that everything is OK with her family..her husband... because my ED is a secret...because if they found out she would be too ashamed of me to be my friend... so she has asked for me to keep it secret....

i don't want to contiune to fight this illness.. i don't want to put a smile on my face and pretend that everything is OK so that my friends don't guess what is going on...

I don't want to be blamed by my adult son for being sick anymore... I don't want to hear it's YOUR fault that you're sick...for his girlfriend to tell him "tough love", when she doesn't know me or the illness.. I want to ask him.......and when did I receive "soft" love or any love for that matter...

I just don't want...

I don't want my body to reject food, to have my stomach burn, to be short of breath..

I don't want people to be cruel to me anymore....

I don't want to try anymore...

I could tell my son and my friends what I do want but.. they don't listen... I could tell... them... ask me how are you once in a while... instead of saying "it's your fault",,, just stop...

just stop.... such an easy solution ... just stop..

the just stop.... doesn't make my body take in nutrition.. it doesn't fix the damage...

but just stop...

I am out of ideas of how to fight this illness...