I haven't been here in awhile and have never been active. without the huge back story (because I am that frantic to get help) I have developed a fear of letting go. I mean this figuratively in that I can't let anyone go from my life even if they are poisonous. I can't get over death. Also (and this bothers me most in conjunction) I physically can't let go. I forget that I've had to go to the bathroom for hours. I will accidentally pick something up and put it under my arm and same, it will be there for hours. I forget to breathe. I especially forget to swallow. I have a need so great to keep things with me that I have multiple piles of what are now messes in different rooms.

I've always felt that I don't "hear" well. It's almost like I hear too much. I hear so much that I can't listen to anything in particular. But I do well with music on as long as it isn't too loud. It soothes me to sway and spin. I seem to have a keenly literate, open mind but can do nothing with math or logic. To say directions make no sense would be an understatement. I dig holes in my skin with my fingernails. I am so encumbered that I hurt myself accidentally. I infect the wound and it will sometimes stay there for months and leave a scar.

Based on what I know the symptoms seem to point to something auditory. But this seems to be more new age and modern doctors see it as an entire spectrum. Those are the expensive doctors. The ones I can afford have been grandfathered into mental health facilities. They only hear the struggle and don't pay attention to the details, or skip over them because they don't hear them as symptoms. Because they don't know much about the disease. I have used drugs and alcohol to cope in the past so they don't want to give me controlled substances.

I'm on addderall and xanax and have been at this for years. I have received diagnosis along the lines of bipolar and personality disorders but I am treatment resistant to anti-depressants, mood stabilizers, anti-consultants and sleep meds. I am in debt over $16,000 from the past three months. Everything was aggravated when I felt something strange in my breast in November. I had a big panic attack and have been having them ever since. I have always had what I thought were panic attacks, but these feel like heart attacks. Sometimes it will happen in front of the wrong person. Then I get sent to the hospital again this time against my will and sent home with a note that says panic disorder. And they people who've sent me there are frustrated because I am clearly out of my mind. Which I'm not. I just am sometimes. It always seems to come back but I'm afraid one day it won't.

I am destroying every single relationship I have with anyone. Friendships and relationships with my family because my moods are intolerable. I am so hot and cold and loving and vile. Worst of all I am totally independent sometimes and other times I can't do anything for myself.

Anything. Anything will help.