My day has been miserable. A rep. with my ssdi attorney firm firm called with a lot of questions concerning my back problem which I'm currently not having any treatment for. At the time of the call, she had not even reviewed my mental records other than the record of me going to the ssdi doctor. He said that I didn't have bipolar. So then stressed that my age being under 50 makes it much harder for ssdi. I was already aware of that, but reminding me just pisses me off.

Quite honestly, I was afraid my raging anger was going to land me in jail. Some of the raging anger is better since starting treatment, but I also began actually hoping for ssdi to come through, so I quit worrying about trying to find a job. Perhaps the worry and anxiety lifted while not stressing to find a job which perhaps has led to less rage and anger.

Regardless, I am ready to give up. Give up you ask? Give up my treatment. Why? If it doesn't help me so that I can return to work without the rage and anger, and/or it doesn't help me receive ssdi, then why waste money, gas, time, tire rubber, and the dr. office employees' time?

I'm afraid of what will happen when I abruptly stop treatment. I'm at my wits end with myself and the system.

I am going back to my old self and my old ways of doing things. I will treat myself. I did a decent job. If rage and anger come back, so be it. Society can deal with it. They can pay for me to be in jail. Pay for my food, clothing, and shelter. At least perhaps I get hired for a job and the system gets a few tax dollars from me before I melt down again. You see, I can't work while on this medicine. Simple as that. My mind just won't focus on what it needs to.