Quote:
Originally Posted by Crow30
I think that most people do not know they have this. I am turning 30 next month and just found out what SPD was the other day when looking at different mental illnesses on the internet. I came across SPD and I could not believe it. Everything made sense all of a sudden and it wasn`t just me that had this. It was good to put a name to what was wrong with me. I learned a lot about myself by just knowing about the disorder. I always knew something just wasn`t right. I just thought I had severe depression and social anxiety...and I do, but I was just seeing the symptoms and not the bigger picture. As a very young child I would not speak in school. As I got older I would only speak to certain children, and was afraid of adults. I did poorly in school because I was too worried that people were looking at me. Fast forward to know: I show no emotion on my face, I cannot work, want no interaction with people, isolate in my room, etc. Anyways, I got off track talking about myself. I think that it is a rare disorder that starts off as something genetic and is shaped by societal factors into something else as time goes on and the small percentage of people who suffer from this don`t know what it actually is.
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Pretty much all of this happened to me, but with social
avoidance in school, and obsessive perfectionism instead of worrying. One of my most traumatizing/uncomfortable memories from childhood are ones of just having to ask an adult something, or tell a waiter what I wanted. Now an adult, I have social anxiety, generalized anxiety, OCD, and social avoidance. This on top of major depression since about age 14. All of this was finally "discovered" between 20 and 23, and some pretty much caused by trying to suppress the others for too long. A couple years ago, by chance and unrelated to latter experiences, I was just curious about exactly what a personality disorder was, and in researching ran across SPD. After struggling for so many years with these other issues and beating myself up daily trying to suppress or fix or fake or trying harder to deal, as I read its description and DSM points, I just immediately started crying in a state of "this can't be real" and complete relief and anger and resentment and feelings of enlightenment. Suddenly, in the span of about thirty seconds, I realized that it would never be "fixed," so I could stop thrashing against it and feeling guilty about it, and was completely relieved. It had a name. And the "personality disorder" name struck hard - this piece of the puzzle was just
me, just as I'd always thought it had felt, not something broken or inferior. Just me. Why was I beating myself up over it? Instantly changed my outlook and gave me a forced, hard look in the mirror.
That said...Depression and anxiety stuff...eff that. Schizoid without emotional control...yeah, pretty much hell. There's the source of the struggle for me. I also cannot work and isolate myself. The distaste for general human interaction mixed with anxiety and depression makes it impossible. Interesting you mention genes, too - after years of unsuccessful depression treatment, I got a genetic test that found I have mutations in my serotonin transporter gene, making SSRIs useless for me. Awesome. ....Can't help but [more than] wonder if it's related, of course.
....Also, yet another thing I wonder about in relation to all this that could very well be off-topic: Am I really the only one who gets really f***ing pissed off and pointless angry from those so-called "HappyLights" instead of happy?